I stared it down, but it remained standoffish. It just sat there waiting for me to make the first move. It was ready. I was not. For two weeks, I had trained for this day. Eating better, exercising more, mentally preparing for this moment. I took a deep breath in.
I could do it. One foot at a time. Go on. Go on. Big exhale. Okay, time to man up and step up.
Da da dummmmmm!
It’s going to be good. Open your eyes. Look. You have to look! Now!
You’re kidding me.
No Freaking Way!
Two weeks of extra effort. Two weeks of making conscientious food choices over my usual conscientious food choices and what do I get?? Two pounds up. UP! I was trying to lose a few pounds and have actually gained two! I am going to lose my shit!
Wait, if I lost my shit, maybe I’d lose a few pounds. That’s one way to go. Ha. Go. Get it? Go. Double funny.
But really, none of this is funny.
I was about three or four pounds up to begin with. What used to be my heavy weight had sat its fat ass down and refused to budge, thus becoming my new average weight. In the beginning, I fought for my old weight like it was the last tub of ice cream in the freezer aisle – okay, not the best analogy – but, really, I worked out more, ate less ice cream, the whole bit. Still, no matter what I did, nothing changed.
After a while, I kind of got used to it. With all the other stuff going on in my life, something had to give a little, and it was the number on the scale. Even though, I was secretly waiting for it to magically disappear like it used to, I did my best to accept. That was until my husband booked us on a trip to St. Thomas with some friends at the end of August.
Sounds fabulous, right? Did I mention all the women going are thin? Yeah. I’m embarrassed to admit I considered bailing on that alone. Apparently, I’m that superficial. I’ve spent a lifetime trying to feel comfortable with my body, and I can tell you the exact times and places where I succeeded. Hawaii, 2000. Costa Rica, 2001.
People might say, I net out on the thinner side, and that may be true, but I don’t see it. I don’t want to tell you what I see, but it has kept me from basically wearing a bathing suit for years. It helps that I don’t like the pool or the beach, and with sun tanning out of favor, well, it’s a good cover for my cover-up.
It might be that I’m over 40 and despite my inhuman mother, my metabolism ain’t what it used to be. But I’m not throwing in the towel. No. I’m going to keep at it. At least till the trip. What else can I do? Except, maybe just lighten up.
Ah, if only.
Icescreammama 
Bah to you women and your all being way too hard on yourselves! My wife won’t wear a bikini because she thinks she’d look gross, even though I’ve tried to convince her otherwise. I let my beer gut out for all to see on the beach, and so should you!
that definitely is a man perk. i don’t know why we gals like to beat ourselves up, but it seems ingrained. i can’t help it, she whines.. another annoying girl thing! damn
Wow. I could have written this post word for word. I swear to God, in the past year alone, my body’s metabolism has decided to completely shut down. I am steadily gaining weight, despite my best efforts.
I eat right, I exercise nearly EVERY damned day. I do yoga, I lift weights. I step on the scale: I’ve gained two pounds. I am the heaviest I’ve been since I was pregnant.
My husband is so nice, he says: you’ve gained muscle! Muscle?? Ha! Unless I have gained muscle in my ass and thighs…
Oh, and I don’t know how old you are, but I turn 43 next month and I swear 42 is the crossroads for a woman’s metabolism. It takes a nosedive and never recovers.
bingo. turned 43 in April. apparently, we just need to stop eating all together.
Whoa. See, I had a theory that this is universal for all women who turn 43. It sucks!
my husband is kind and gentle too, but i couldn’t be more frustrated. i really do the right damn things. it makes me want to throw the scale out the window!! but i’ve tried no scale and guess what? it’s worse. Arrrrgggh!!
It is frustrating!! I mean, what else can we do? It’s either stop eating completely or exercise constantly. I’m leaning toward acceptance that my body will be fluffier and that’s okay. (still, I won’t lie, it’s hard)
acceptance is fine. i’m working with that theory, but i don’t think i’ll ever truly accept. have you met my mom?
I stopped getting on scales in 1995. At the doctors office I stand backwards. I just don’t want that info.
well, there’s no doubt you’re a smarter cookie than me. 🙂
I love you and your mom, but look in the mirror and see the most beautiful brightest girl going. stop carrying the weight of the world, its to screwed up to fix.
I find the scale and I do not get along very well. I too have gone one knowing my food is clean and that I have been at the gym and see no loss or a one or two gain. I’m really working on accepting myself the way I am, eating healthy and exercising. The rest is going to have to take a backseat! You are gorgeous and I’m wishing you a great time!!!
it’s not easy. but acceptance is the way to go. i just need to accept that. 😉 thank you.
This is EXACTLY why I don’t own a scale. I use jeans as a barometer of weight loss and weight gain.
But now that I’m pregnant, stepping on the scale has become unavoidable. Whenever I go see the OB, they ask me to step on that darn thing. I’ve learned to wear flip flops to these doctor visits!
ha! i used to go in my ‘lightest’ clothes and definitely take off my shoes! i’m happy to delude myself. 🙂
You can do it!! I know you can!! I’ll be your cheering section 🙂
thankyou!! i haven’t given up!!
Oh, I hear you on this! Something’s had to give in my life too and my ass shows the evidence. Being way over 40 doesn’t help either. Sarongs to the rescue!! I hope you can enjoy St. Thomas exactly as you are – sounds heavenly!
somehow i’ll suffer through.. 😉 thanks.
Ugh that is so frustrating. I totally hear you. I have always had the slowest metabolism in the world, so if I eat even a little more than what’s normal for me, I can’t button my pants. Have an amazing trip, jealous of your St. Thomas vacay!
we’ll see how this week goes. st. thomas is still 3 weeks away. i’m really not pretty to be around sans ice cream. 😉
You look beautiful
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You’ll get there…common, go for it girl! 😉
I don’t get on the scale. I just measure my waistline, but that too has been a disappointing measurement lately.
one too many croissants ? 😉
I think hanging on to weight is the woman over forty curse. I have a disgustingly healthy diet, and I literally try to box my ass off several times a week, but it’s a disappointing journey. The ass is still there – it’s slightly less flabby though. Grab your bathing suit and some ice cream, and enjoy your vacation!
i know!! wtf??! but yeah, i guess i’ll suck it up… and in. 😉
Er…. I’m not qualified to comment here **backs away**
haha! okay, skinny gal, i won’t hold it against you. you enjoy your ice cream. 🙂
Ah, that evil evil scale. I just came back from a beach trip where I wore shorts and a tshirt to the beach every day because of massive weight issues. Yep, I said massive. Didn’t help that I ate like a fiend because, duh, vacation! Then I got back and had to face that evil scale. It said I gained about 4 pounds. That’s all? From all that gluttony? Woohoo. So, of course, I did what any reasonable person would do . . . I ate like a pig for 2 more days. On Monday morning, I had gained 4 MORE pounds in those 2 days. What the . . . ? So, diet time. Two days of eating much better, but no exercising. Stepped on the scale this morning . . . those 8 pounds are gone!
Moral of the story: that scale lies. Don’t believe her. Just like I know I didn’t gain 4 pounds in 2 days, I also know I didn’t lose 8 pounds in 2 days. But . . . I feel your pain about the vacationing. Good luck!!
thanks! and you’re right. i don’t really believe but also can’t ignore!! Arggg!
So many good plays on words here! Love the lose my shit double funny:)
ha. thank you. 🙂
Ahh the universal struggle with the scale. I must admit I became a bit scale-obsessed after losing a chunk of weight. However, the scale is now revolting by flashing “overload” when I step on it. I’ve also been trying to get my stomach to a point where my belly button isn’t lost whenever I sit down by doing 8 minute abs (an awfully cheesy workout video on youtube) but apparently I’m not strong enough to not do these consistently without some sort of neck support. The worst part about all this is that I’m still pretty young which doesn’t bode well for my belly button’s future.
it’s easy to become addicted both to getting on the scale and also to not getting on the scale. the important thing is to just keep at the healthy habits no matter what. if you do the right thing, it’ll all come together… hopefully, even the belly button. 🙂
Very good fun post 🙂 Hope you beat those scales 🙂 I’m currently reveling in the success of slowly beating mine – the feeling when it starts going your way is SO worth the effort 🙂
thank you. and me too. i’m in it to win it – or actually, to lose it. you know what i mean. 🙂
It can be so frustrating trying to lose weight, I know just how you feel. I’ve struggled with my weight before and had to work off some extra weight. But keep it up, stay strong, and it’ll get better slowly.
If I could recommend anything, exercise is great, but what you really need to do is strength training to burn fat and replace it with muscle. All the cardio and good eating in the world won’t do that for you alone. There’s tons of resources on the net for strength training you can do at home or on the go, so check it out if you’ve got a chance. Best of luck – I’m rooting for you!
you’re right. sometimes i get so caught up in just doing something that makes me sweaty that i forget to build the muscle. tomorrow, i’m taking my little weights and squatting down! thanks for the reminder. 🙂
2 words with regard to bathing suit for the trip…lands end! They make it far less nauseating! I admit that after being married for almost 18 years, we just got a scale within the past 6 months. Now it is harder to pretend that I don’t why why the dryer is shrinking some of my clothes!
I’m struggling in the tummy department, in that it keeps getting bigger, no matter how much I exercise and watch what I eat. I think it sticks out further than my bust line, at this point, but oh, well. Enjoy that vacay no matter what the scale says!!!
after baby bellies do seem to pop more.. annoying. but you’re right. i’m going to do my best. 🙂
Oh, the scale, how I hate it. I gained a mass of weight at my last job (sitting at a desk 80 hours a week = weight gain), and have yet to shed it all…
it’s work work work. it would be nice if it was just easy.
That is the worst when you put in all the effort and you still don’t see improvement. I’m sure if you stick with it though it will move and probably more than you’d expect.
exactly. i was happy enough before i started trying! i’ll see what this week brings… who knows..i’ve still been pretty good.
My scale and I have a love/hate relationship with each other. I’m convinced it’s out to get me. It makes no sense whatsoever. No rhyme or reason. After eating things I shouldn’t have the other day, it said I lost two pounds. Then after eating hardly anything it said I gained a pound. I think I should just throw it against the wall. You know…to “recalibrate” it to my advantage. 😉
it’s true. it doesn’t always make any sense. still, i prefer when it doesn’t make sense in my benefit
I don’t know if you can give up ice cream and still keep your nickname! Haha, but in all seriousness, keep exercising and eating in moderation… not for the scale, but for you. If you stick with it you will FEEL better, regardless of what the scale says 🙂
you’re so right and i have somewhat given it up these past almost 3 weeks!! i can’t believe it. yes, i do feel a little better. i’m giving it till the trip before i jump ship. thanks for commenting. 🙂