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The United Skates has Fallen and it can’t get up

Well it’s official. It’s not the eighties anymore.

I learned this today on my son’s fourth grade class trip to United Skates.

I, of course, arrived in my spandex leggings and neon pink zip up ready to Rock and Roll All Night, but it’s like none of these children ever spent a Friday night at the local rink circling the track and darting through crisscrossing strobes lights to Let’s Get Crazy by Prince.

10 year old arms and legs flailed all over the place, spinning by like baby giraffes on ice. The kids scrambled around like eggs, then lay on the rink floor beaten. It was hand to your mouth horrifying, in that ‘you can’t believe what you are seeing’ way and I could not. stop. laughing.

I probably won’t be brought back for a class trip any time soon, but all those children flopping every which way, doing unintentional splits, desperately trying to stay upright like cartoon characters on banana peels… It was just too much and too many of them. It was like someone put a slick of oil on a walkway and told 50 kids that there was free ice cream right across the way. Down Down Down they all went. It was total, utter chaos. It was hysterical.

None of the 20 something workers seemed concerned. They just zoomed here and there picking up all the rattled little bodies and sending them happily off to fall again two seconds later.

But the absolute best were these new safety devices they give the kids who can’t skate (Um, pretty much all of them). They are literally walkers on wheels! Seriously, you can’t not be amused by this.

Skating looks verrry different than when I was a kid.

I hear there’s pudding at lunch today, Gertie!

Even though 2015 skating was different than when I was a kid, I was totally in the spirit and considered putting my hair in a side pony tail. I grabbed my son’s hand for a mock ‘couples skate’ moment and he allowed me the pleasure for 3 seconds before pretending I didn’t exist. I threw around the words Super and Awesome a lot, and even once found myself putting them together while dancing around, picking up felled children as I grooved.

“Wow, you’re doing super awesome out there, kid!” I said and gave a wink as he hobbled by with his walker. It was the same kid who once asked me why my house was such a mess, not that I remember things like that.

It was time to go, and from the mouths of the beaten and black and blue (but no broken boned) babes, it was unanimously and without question the best day of fourth grade.

It certainly was for me.

Skate on.

Skate on.

About Ice Scream Mama

Mama to 3 boys, wife to Mr. Baseball and daughter of a sad man. I have a double scoop every day.

22 responses »

  1. Denise Goldman

    Hysterical. Times have changed. Sousa is stuck in the eighties’

  2. Times have changed, that is for certain. *laughing here* When I was younger (back in the 70’s/80’s) ALL kids knew how to skate. It’s kind of sad, really, that this is no longer a thing nowadays. Kids now are too much into video games.

  3. Walkers?! OMG…laughing my butt off here!

  4. OMG those walkers are hysterical. I like to say my son skates like a salmon. Sounds like you were swimming upstream too. Thanks for the memories and the laugh

  5. Those walker things are dangerous! They use them at our local ice skating rink every winter.

  6. Laugh out loud hilarious thanks for not mentioning the horrified nuerotic moms !

    Sent from my iPhone


  7. I hate to admit it, but even one of those walkers wouldn’t have helped me. I come from the days of roller skate keys. These were devices purchased by parents wanting to decrease the size of their families. Treacherous. Bone breaks guaranteed.

    My son, on the other hand, was a roller blading wizard. He and I spent a long weekend in Paris, where he skated from one end of the city to the other, all without so much as a skinned knee. My feet were on terra firma.

    It is so cool that you got to be the coordinated mama in front of all the kids! You rock (and obviously roll).

    • I’m not sure about the walker thing. The floor hurts just as much with the walker on top of you. It looked like they were playing chicken at the old age home. I love roller blading. My husband and I did it all through our 20’s. I thought I’d forget but turns out it’s like the bicycle. But now, if I fall, I’d probably break a hip!

    • and i remember those key skates!

  8. God how I used to love to roller skate and went not only to our local rink, but also skated all the time outdoors as a kid, too. So you brought me back and than some, but like you sadly couldn’t skate for my life now as I probably would end up killing myself on skates!! Oh and by the way, not sure where you live, but I live right down the road from United Skates of America 😉

  9. This is awesome. I was a champion skater back in my day, and I definitely rocked the neon.

  10. You rocked. Someday your kid will be complaining in therapy about it, but you rocked it, and he’ll come to see it.

  11. That is awesome. But skate walkers? Dang it, you’re SUPPOSED to fall down a lot when you’re learning! That’s how it’s done!


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