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Life’s a beach… And then you die!

I don’t want to go! That’s what my head is screaming as we drive with a car load of crap and crying kids to have a fun, happy day at the beach. First off, for me, the beach is not a relaxing place. It’s the place where Jaws murdered all those people. The place where unknown creatures lurk under ominous rising waves of foamy death. It’s where slimy, green things stick to your feet and make you jump in disgust and fear before shaking them off with aversion.  It’s where a million grains of sand scratch between your toes, up your nose and in your nooks and crannies. And with kids?? OMG. Forget drowning, I’m going to die of a heart attack. Turn for just one second and there are a thousand little boys who look like mine. I’m twitching in panic just thinking about it. A million people on one end, the angry sea on the other, glaring sun overhead. Really, this is fun??

Do I seem abnormally anxious about the beach? It’s possible, but I have it on good authority that I drowned in a former life, so I’m totally within reason here. Also, I was taken to see Jaws at the very impressionable age of five. I’m sure I was ready for it though. I only spent the next three years throwing books across my green carpeted floor, which I imaged to be shark-filled waters, so that I could safely step from bed to door. I’m sure everyone did that. And who, at one time or another, hasn’t had a fear of sitting on the potty because they think a shark might come up and bite them in the ass, right? Totally normal.

Da Dum Da Dum Da Dum

I love when people say, “But you’d cruise, right?” Uh no! Why would I surround myself with the object of my fear? Eating every day for 12 is appealing, but you can’t have everything. Hasn’t anyone heard of the Titanic or read the newspaper? Big ships, little ships, boats, ferries, they all sink, people. And then guess where you are?!

So that’s my mindset for family fun day at the beach. I look at the vast, dark waters and the endless sand filled with people and tell myself, “It’s going to be okay” And it is – for them at least. Howard, the boys, my sister and brothers-in-law and the cousins are laughing, playing and, yeah, frolicking. Obviously I’m the only one keenly aware of the lurking dangers, and I alone will shoulder the anxiety, a solid stick-in-the-sand in a swim dress.

Speaking of swim dresses, that’s another reason I have to stay off the beach. Less important maybe, but it doesn’t help matters. Could you really blame me? It’s right here in black and floral.

Way hot sister-in-law
Uh, yeah.

Come on beach, one way or another, you’re just killing me.



About Ice Scream Mama

Mama to 3 boys, wife to Mr. Baseball and daughter of a sad man. I have a double scoop every day.

47 responses »

  1. “And who, at one time or another, hasn’t had a fear of sitting on the potty because they think a shark might come up and bite them in the ass, right? Totally normal.”

    TOTALLY normal, except my fear is of a giant snake living in my toilet? Yeah, don’t ask. I’ve had this fear since childhood for no reason at all. Just know you’re not alone. lol

  2. I love the beach, but I hate it with kids. I don’t plan to return to the beach with my family until my kids are 18. Then they can fight off the sharks and abductors themselves.

    Very funny post!

  3. Oh I like your swim dress! If I were forced to go to the beach (right with ya there) I’d definitely wear a swim dress, or would stubbornly just wear my regular clothes since I refuse to swim anyway. Those of us at the right age to have seen Jaws at the right time have the good sense to stay away!

  4. It’s so much more fun when you’re kid is older and you can just read your book.

  5. Ahahaha you are totally normal!! I saw Jaws when I was 8 and used to have nightmares of the shark chasing me down the road and up trees…I didn’t avoid swimming in the ocean though but I can not swim in lakes where i can see the bottom. I would prefer not to see all the crazy, ugly, gigantic creatures that live in them. If I’m going to be attacked I think i want it to be a surprise. I don’t want to try and out swim a shark…holy horrible. Just eat me Jaws…don’t stalk me.

    Whose authority told you that you drowned in a past life? Fascinating!

  6. So that’s what you were thinking the whole day. At least we capped it off with ice cream. Thanks for grinning and baring it. Next time- your pick!

  7. Those pictures made me literally laugh out loud!!!

  8. Reblogged this on Icescreammama and commented:

    I didn’t correctly post this, so i’m doing it again. It’s for Yeah Write! Check out the link on the bottom.

  9. what is yeah, write? I can’t believe u posted those pics. laughing!!!!

  10. I would NOT go near the water when Jaws first came out, so I understand completely where you are coming from here. However, I did have to buy one of those shark tooth necklaces at the movie theater….

  11. I hear ya on this one! I am much more of a pool person than a beach person. Actually, I love to sit at the beach sans kids, but I really don’t like to swim in the ocean even though I was competitive swimming. I am terrified of what’s lurking below. Love the photos of you and your sister-in-law at the end.

  12. Cindy - The Reedster Speaks

    I think you are rocking that swim dress. Personally, I wear Land’s End swim shorts, which scream sex on the beach. The beach with children terrifies me too. The packing of crap, the sliming with sunscreen, the eating of food with sand in it. Meh.

  13. ” I was taken to see Jaws at the very impressionable age of five. ”
    My first movie was Poltergeist. I was also five. I want to high five you, because I’ve never met anybody else whose parents took them to a scary movie so young and remember it like me. My husband hates the beach like you do. He spends the whole time in a nervous tizzy. I flop my fat self out into the gulf and swim and alarm him by getting the kids to do the same!

    • OMG you’re my husband!!! Stop doing that!!
      (And my aunt, who brought me to the movie, thought if she covered her hand over my eyes, i wouldn’t see anything. ah the 70’s.)

  14. Haha, as a mom of three young kids…. you pretty much read my mind!
    Although I’m not afraid of sharks, I am afraid of swimming in water where I can’t see the bottom because of all the who-knows-whats swimming below me!
    Hopefully you can find yourselves a nice indoor pool somewhere. 😉

  15. Jaws did a number on me too -ruined ocean swimming for me forever. I’m terrified of sharks, terrified someone in the water will have on jewelry or be bleeding and sharks will show up. I get it. And then there’s all the work involved in getting kids to the beach – all the equipment, and the sunscreen and the snacks and the … sand. Ugh. Way too much work only to be eaten alive by a lousy shark. Hilarious post – loved it!

    • YES! You’ve got it.
      And i have to thank you, i saw about yeah write on your post originally, when mominthemuddle asked me to write about Hope (which i have, i just got caught up here – i’ll post it tomorrow?). I’m so new to blogging, it took me all day to figure out the link/back link, just everything. Don’t tell, i’m apparently an idiot.

  16. What a funny spin on your anxiety. So sorry you got dragged to Jaws at age five. It makes me feel kinda bad for taking my 8 year old to see Saw. (Totally kidding people. Relax. Let’s play.) Ellen

  17. I loved this! And especially since I thought I was the only one with irrational fears like this…

  18. I am not a fan of the beach either, besides the dress (we all wear little dresses…no?) I have to get in the water with my kids, and watch them like a hawk because I do have fears of them drowning, (which for our family, since 2 have special needs it is a possibility) so I don’t get to sit with everyone else and enjoy the sun. Now going without kids? That I like! (but I still wear my dress)

  19. Okay, who is the genius who took you to see “Jaws” when you were only five? That’s just mean. To this day, when I dive into a wave,there is a split second of “oh crap I hope there aren’t big teeth waiting for me …” And clearly your SIL needs to go to a different beach. NOT the beach I go to, either, thank you very much.

  20. Double Trouble

    Well now you just ruined my day. I have never taken the boys to the beach and was planning on the first trip tomorrow. Now I will need to rethink it. All those Jaws memories are flooding back into my brian. My father’s sick joke, throwing me off the boat in the middle of the LI Sound to show me that there “really are no sharks.” I was already concerned about taking two kids to the beach alone and now this … all those shark memories. Well back to the pool for the kids and wine for me.

  21. I love the beach! But it’s true it’s not so relaxing with little kids and I could totally feel your pain when I read this. I can’t believe you saw Jaws at age 5. I think I was 12 and it scared the crap out of me. No wonder you don’t like Oceans. My kids got to go to Lion King and Ice Age and Toy Story…

  22. My sis-in-law on a recent beach trip referred to it as “Mommy-Spidey-sense”. Great and funny post. Welcome to the Yeah Write crew!

  23. LOL! I *so* hear you on the cruise thing. “Wouldn’t a cruise be relaxing?” Um, NO. Why on earth would be trapped on a boat with ‘entertainment’ like all you can eat midnight shrimp buffets and failed Broadway actors performing Star Light Express on roller skates be relaxing? Nice post!

  24. Definitely not my relaxing time yet at the beach!,,, relatable Lee!,,

  25. Pingback: One…Two… Three! Get Out Of The Pool! | Icescreammama

  26. Pingback: Jumping in… one toe at a time | Icescreammama

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