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I’m sexy and no one knows it

I might be having a mid-life crisis.

I’m not sure because crisis is exactly the opposite of how I’m feeling, which is sexy.

Hard to believe, since I can no longer just bend down and get up in a single motion, and have a wrinkle in between the brow that is now a crevice you could lose things in. Still, I’m sashaying around wearing all my fancy clothes that are actually years old, but I would never wear before because apparently, I was saving them for my mid-life crisis. Also, I have clean hair. Never underestimate the power of clean hair.

I had no idea that this feeling was one of the mid-life symptoms. So I started researching, and sexy wasn’t anywhere on the list of what to expect.

It did say that mid-life is the time more people step out with a young lova. But this makes no sense to me. Someone young cannot see someone middle aged without causing one to die of shock and the other of embarrassment. If anything, I’d have to get me a very old, blind lova. That is, if my husband says it’s okay.

They also say there’s a lot of reassessment, and I have been contemplating my life lately and wondering if I actually have one.

Many people quit their jobs. I don’t have a job. Maybe I’ll get a job! Yeah!  That’s it.

But then how could I go to the gym to lose the five pounds I need to rock my minivan right and attract my old, blind lova? All of sudden, I understand why men buy Porsches. They’re feeling it and want to show off their badass selves, while they’re still badass.

I read that mid-life crisis’ spurs drinking, so I bought a couple of cases of wine because I like to be prepared. I don’t know if that would go over well on my new job, but I’m thertainly giving it the ole college try. urp.

Not that I’m qualified for anything anymore.

I can just see me at a business lunch, cutting up a client’s food and then, if he gets distracted by our fascinating conversation about what’s on sale at the supermarket, forking some fish into his mouth. At least since he ordered it, it wouldn’t come back out in a disgusted dribble like I just fed him clumped dirt. So there’s that.

Okay, forget the job. I’ve got too much to do anyway. Let’s see… well, the kids are all finally at school, leaving me with the bulk of the day to my own devices. It’s the first time in over ten years that I’ve had the house to myself for the hours of 8:30am-3pm.

It’s amazing. I can actually think when they’re gone.

Silence.

Think.

They are gone. My babies! Oh my babies are gone!! Oh my GOD!!!

Pause for slug of wine.

Okay, deep breaths. Much better.

I do wonder what is going on in my body that’s making feel so full of… No. Not myself. I was going to say, life. Whatever it is, I’m feeling good. Maybe I’ll take up tennis. Or start running races. Or schedule a little fix in the face? Or dye my hair a ravishing red.

Wait?! What if it’s like when a person is near death, and they all of a sudden get that last surge of energy before the end??!! Oh no!! Is this my last bit of sexy?? Then it’s gone?! FOREVER?!

Well now I’m depressed. They say that’s a sign too.

Pause for another slug.

Whatever. For the moment, I got my sexy back.

Maybe hot flashes will be better than I think.

How you doin?!

How you doin?!

About Ice Scream Mama

Mama to 3 boys, wife to Mr. Baseball and daughter of a sad man. I have a double scoop every day.

49 responses »

  1. The outstanding wife

    That made me chuckle at the end of my day! 😉 Thanks for another great post.

    Reply
  2. Sooooo hilarious. And so true. It’s like you read my mind.

    Last year was the first time in 10 years I was left alone for any length of time during the day. I thought I would be thrilled, but instead I really didn’t know what to do without the constant chaos.

    And on top of it, my sexiness (such as it was…) has left the building forever, I’m afraid. I think I aged 10 years worth of wrinkles between the ages of 42 and 43. No one warns you about this. You just look in the mirror one day and scream in horror.

    Where’s that wine??

    Reply
  3. Take one scoop of icecream, one slug of wine, sit down, and enjoy! 😉

    Reply
  4. Don’t underestimate what having a few hours alone can do for the soul!! Rock on, I totally think you are a babe!! xo

    Reply
  5. That was awesome!!! There was a little bit for everyone in that post!

    Reply
  6. Also I really really appreciated the part about the business meeting. And the spitting out food. Hilarious!

    Reply
  7. I love everything about this post. The sexy– we don’t talk about sexy enough. Thank you for starting a conversation in such a fun way.

    Reply
  8. HA! Love it and needed to read this today! Not feeling so sexy with unwashed hair and 10 year old gym pants on! You have inspired me:)

    Reply
  9. Can sexy be done in comfortable shoes? I’m just asking for a friend.

    Reply
  10. Loved the blog.

    Reply
  11. Nice hat!! As long as you think you’re sexy that’s all that matters.

    Reply
  12. This is hilarious. I think you need to go out and buy yourself a Porsche, stat. Get on with your bad self.

    Reply
  13. Hot stuff, momma! I’m looking forward to my midlife crisis! I’m hoping it wasn’t years ago when I bought that motorcycle or when we had G$ a couple of years ago. Watch what that sexy gets ya!

    Reply
  14. Love it! I was kind if feeling the same way lately, then my stepmom told me that 40 was her most favorite age–she finally felt comfortable being herself. I still don’t love the fact that I’m 40, but it gives me hope. Rock on, sexy lady!

    Reply
    • i don’t not like the age. i’m actually feeling great (poo poo 😉 ) it’s just that the next decade looms and that one, while i’m sure is wonderful in many ways, being youthful is not one of them. it makes me think. a lot. but got to live in today, so i’m rocking it the best i can. thanks.

      Reply
  15. It’s funny how it feels strange whenever we have the house to ourselves. No screaming kids. Silence. Bliss. Happy mom. Then we start to panic why the house is so silent. LOL

    Reply
  16. Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:
    SOME OF US MAY BEG TO DIFFER…OR JUST BEG (NOT REALLY—MY WIFE INSISTS UPON KEEPING ME).

    Reply
  17. I’m so happy I didn’t miss this post! I’m doing some catch up and you just made my day! I love your playful take on the subject of sexy. You go, girl – lead the way!

    Reply
  18. Pingback: Mid-life crisis or just Jewish? | Icescreammama

  19. That was hysterical and so on point. OMG, the clean hair thing. I know it’s weird right, that of all the funny in there, the clean hair is the thing that sucked me in? But I feel that way too. About hair that is. And also about getting all my old “career” and “going out” cute clothes out of the back of the closet, cause what am I saving them for my kid is going to be 5 !!!!!! and so I’ve just started wearing them, like, you know, to groceries. So yeah, clean hair and a pair of slacks. Who the fuck knew it was that easy?!

    Reply
  20. Hot flashes? Now THAT sounds sexy. Or at least I think it does. I dunno. I’m a guy.

    Reply
  21. I love so much about this post it’s making my head spin…I think I need a slug maybe to help me calm down from all the fantastic-ness? Thanks for sharing this with me!

    Reply
  22. Hot flashes give a whole new meaning to hot and bothered 🙂 Here’s to bringing sexy back at every stage! And, clean hair makes me happy too.

    Reply

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