Since I’m still in the spirit of giving, with just a bit of vent thrown in, I thought I’d do a little public service and offer up my top 5 resolutions that I hope others make for the New Year. You know who you are. Just think about it…
1. Get off the phone in the gym!
Really? Do you think we all care what your plans are for tonight? Or how annoying your husband is? Seriously chick, take that phone and that high pony tail and get off the machine next to mine. I do not want to hear you. Nor do the other people who are giving you polite dirty looks that you choose to ignore. Do you realize you’re speaking in decibels higher than Kathy Lee and Hoda who are plugged directly into my ears?! You’re messing up my hour of me time, and it makes me want to mess you up.
2. Park in one spot!
Oh My God! Really, dude? You’re supposed to park in the lines, not over them! Did you flunk out of nursery school? WTF?! I want to be stereotypical and chastise all the obnoxious Porsche drivers, but honestly it’s not just them. I see you suburban mom, dragging out your kids, looking exhausted and pretending not to notice. I see you Grandma, and think you need your eyes checked. Not only can’t you park, you never seem to see me at the deli counter. You most certainly were not next!
3. Pull your car over when you run into someone you know in the neighborhood!
It’s really not rocket science. This is a street, not your front lawn. You cannot just stop in the middle and chat. Pull the frig over! Immediately! And no, you can’t just finish up your conversation, unless you’d like me to ram into the back of your car, which you are begging for by the way.
4. Take your doggy bags!
I’m not talking about the poop bags, although that could be number 6, I’m talking about leftover food. I know, I might be special in this regard, since I have been known to take home other people’s leftovers. (I know.. I know… but only people I know. Ya know? ;)) And I will eat leftovers till they’re green. But really people, don’t order what you can’t eat. Or, just take it home. It’s so wasteful. Don’t make me come over there and show you the Save the Children infomercial.
5. Don’t be snotty!
As in, here’s a tissue, wipe your kid’s disgusting nose! Huge EW! Do you really not see that green goop hanging there, just waiting for his sleeve or to drip into his mouth? Ugh, I can’t even look. Tissues. They are your friend. Carry them. Use them. For the good of mankind and preschoolers everywhere, I beg of you!
There’s more, so much more, but I don’t want to piss off everyone. Ah, what the hell, let’s piss-off some of my runner-up offenders… Person at Dunkin Donuts – Don’t close the door on me as I’m walking through. If you’re holding it up to that point, why would you choose to release it right as I get there? And worker at the yogurt store, smile. I get that the general public is annoying or that maybe you haven’t had the best day, but, you’re at work, lady. There is no sneering or eye-rolling. Save that for your break.
Please, people, take these resolutions as your own. I give them with love. I’m just trying to make the world a better place. Okay, just do it. Seriously. Don’t make me use this many exclamation points again! 🙂
can’t agree more with number four and number five.
you sure vented. now we can move onto 2013 with glee and many more creative comments
from one who loves you unconditionly
I love them all but I esp. LOVE #2! (Esp. after all the crazy shopping / parking that took place this holiday season. Diagonally across your spot? really?)
honestly – what is wrong with people!! good thing i’m always drunk on ice cream. so i’ve got excessive sweetness. 🙂
Taking up two spots? YES. please stop doing that. I never really thought much about this phenomenon, but since moving to the suburbs two months ago, its ALL I think about. I’m trying to run in and out of the grocery store. Can you kindly move your big-ass Hummer over 2 or 3 feet so I can use one of the the two parking spaces you have co-opted for yourself? Or better yet, just don’t buy the Hummer that’s so hard to park in one spot. Westchester County is not at war. You don’t need a tank.
it’s a freaking epidemic!
Frigging brilliant. I want to add that the people on the sidewalk stop texting long enough to see me before running into me. And can Starbucks keep its napkin dispensers filled. Also can moms with strollers bigger than the sidewalk move the F over?
thanks!! hate all those walking texters! and i can’t believe i forgot my biggest peeve – the guys who are speeding like lunatics down my sweet suburban block! i stand in the middle of the street like a crazy person, screaming at them. oh, we could go on and on!!
I also stand in our alley and scream at people who are driving too fast! This could be our new reality show! The alley speedsters honk, which is f-ing annoying, but don’t slow down – as if honking is enough. Jeez, this ranting feels good!
i know!! after i published it, i thought maybe i was a little too angry sounding, but then i was like, screw it – it’s freaking annoying!
Yes! I agree with all of these! Also, please stop arguing over a 25 cent coupon at the grocery store. The coupons expired- deal with it and pay the extra quarter!
haha!! i know!! and those arguments can take 10 minutes! The time is worth way more than the freaking coupon!! 🙂
I’m all over these. This should be a New Year’s Manifesto! Especially the one about pulling over to talk with your friends – good god, that pisses me off! Love this!
yay! so nice to see you again. i missed you! thank you!! hope you had a nice holiday. 🙂
Too funny! Resolutions for the rest of you…I may have to do one of my own. Great post.
thanks – there’s almost too many to chose from. 😉
Love it!!!!! I’m with you ice scream mama!!
The dude at Dunkin Doughnuts who won’t hold the door open, I mean COME ON? Seriously, show some manners! I would also like to add women who wear tiaras on their head for no apparent reason. It’s just TOO indulgent for my taste!
Those are all really awesome but especially “don’t be snotty” love that!
thanks. i mean come on, don’t parents see giant oblong blobs of snot?! blech!! 🙂
Hey, that was my car- love Geordan
stop it! was not!
This is quite clever. I don’t know why I didn’t think about a post like this. Enjoyed it, because I understood each one and agreed! Yes, snot noses lovely. parking on two spots or crooked…or so close to your door that your passenger can’t get in…or worse…the driver can’t get in and has to crawl through the pasenger side! That’s always awesome.
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Lake Forest, CA
thank you! so glad you read and enjoyed. sadly, the list of my resolutions for others, could go on and on… maybe it’s my way of avoiding my own resolutions. ha. i’lldefinitely check you out. nice to meetcha!
Hilarious list! The parking one happens out here so often. Personally I would alter the moving the car aside for moving a stroller aside. I’m due this month and have noticed that people use their stroller as a weapon/line holder/way to block everyone. Maybe it was shopping during the holidays, but WOW was it annoying.
thank you! and yes, the list can go on and on.. it’s best not to get started, since i’m being all positive in the new year. 🙂
Oh yes, #1 drives me craaaazy! Aren’t you supposed to be working out at the gym?? Great list & hope these resolutions come through for you — and all of us. happy new year!
thanks! those annoying people are soooo annoying. 😉