Today I realized I’ve lost something very important.
I didn’t see it when I called my kids three times into the kitchen for their lunch but no one came until I stomped into the living room, snapped the TV shut and glared around menacingly.
I didn’t find it in the basement under the mountain of toys, the video games tossed around like garbage and the lego pieces scattered all over the floor. It definitely wasn’t under the one I stepped on.
It was nowhere in sight when my husband told me our baseball schedule for the next week… Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights, Monday and maybe but not definitely Wednesday.
Nor was it anywhere to be seen when my kids continuously tried to prolong staying up, even though at 11pm it was already past my bed time, by moving so slowly to wash up, then calling for drinks and snacks. I couldn’t even find it in the warm, extra hugs they tried to extract.
It certainly wasn’t under the table when I went to pick up the fork my son dropped and then banged my head.
Or in the sink under a pile of dishes.
I didn’t even bother looking for it by my father. No way I’d find it there.
Where o where was it?
For many years I gave everything, did everything and accepted everything. I had more of my patience but less of me, and it was all good. It was how it was supposed to be.
Now I feel a shift. I’m finding myself, making my needs and wants count. There will always be the household chores, moments of frustration, and times where you need more strength than others, but now that my kids are a bit older, all of a sudden I feel they’re supposed to get with the program, even though up until recently the program was I do everything. It’s not their fault. These things take time. I’ve changed the channel on them, and I guess I no longer have tolerance for any other.
Still it’s coming. I see it when my children bring their dishes to the sink without reminder, automatically brush their teeth and get themselves dressed in the morning, make an effort to be nicer to each other, listen by only the second time I ask. And who wouldn’t smile when the kid covered in chocolate swears he ate none.
Of course there’s still…
“Mommy, I wanna build a set up with you!”
“Where are my socks?”
“He won’t stop touching me!”
“Make him stop siiiiiingingggg!”
But we’re getting there…