“Push me!” Julius yells and with a weary sigh, like he’s asking me to work heavy machinery, I lift my ass off the bench and make my way over to the swings.
He waits patiently while I trudge my 30 pound bag that I shouldn’t even have brought out of the car, but for some unconscious reason always feel compelled to keep with me, even though the car is parked 20 feet away. I always think, but what if I have a moment and can read my book? Or what if we need a water bottle or a snack? Or what if I get a brilliant thought and need my pad and a pen? And wipes – you always need wipes. Okay, the back-up Kindle, the 10 pounds of change and the bag of coupons and receipts might not be necessary, but I can’t go organizing right now, can I?
My arm sighs as I drop the bulky bag in the wood chips, ensuring I will find a few of them later ensnared in my hair ties and tissues. “You don’t need me to push you. You know how to push yourself.” I say, and give his little butt a shove.
“I know I don’t need you to push me.” He says, exasperated. He’s only five and already I’m the mom who doesn’t get it. “l want you to!”
My child is a genius, I think, and absent-mindedly propel him to the sky. He knows what he wants.
Which started me thinking – always dangerous – what do I want?
What do I want? Such a simple question, and yet so difficult for me to answer.
To redo my kitchen? Yes, but I misplaced the plans that we had made up, and without them seemed to have lost the incentive as well.
To lose 5lbs? Sure, but not if it means giving up ice cream, or wine, or sushi lunches or any of the little extras that I absolutely deserve.
To get a book deal, an agent, or to be paid for the essays that I so lovingly write? Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. But what am I really doing to accomplish any of those things? Not much. And, by not much, I mean nothing.
When am I going to start going after what I want, instead of waiting for it to just fall into my hands? When I am going to find the motivation within me to accomplish the things I want? When am I going to stop taking the easy way out and work harder? When am I going to want it enough to go and get it?
“Higher!” Julius orders, and I send him flying to the stars.
He might want the push, but it turns out, I’m the one who needs one.
Icescreammama 
I SO feel this! I have a list of things I wanted to do this year, new challenges to meet. I’ve done one thing since January and its the same ol story. I’m always helping the kids or my hubby with their lists and mine get pushed back…
i know. i feel like i’ve lost my motivation somewhere and i don’t even know what i want anymore!
Start moving your legs and pulling those chains!!
damn! stop making it seem so easy!
I hope you publish something. I enjoy your blog so much. And you always make me laugh. Thank you!
except when i make you cry? hahaha!! thank you so so much!!
Let’s be clear: you’re not doing nothing. You’re writing pieces like this and sending them out into the world. Also? You sure don’t look like you have 5 lbs to spare. Just sayin.
please. i’ve got your newest essay up on my computer to get to next – i can even pretend to keep up. i really don’t know how you do it. i need to meet you just to know you’re real. but of course i appreciate your words. i’m trying but it really takes almost all my free time to just do what i’m doing. i don’t know. maybe i just don’t want it bad enough… anyway, regarding the picture, i had my kid take 10 shots before i approved this flattering one. i’m a master of disguise. 😉
I LOVE this post. There are so many things on the to-do list, and sometimes they clutter out what is actually important. I’m so glad that you are writing; I love reading your posts and I hope that you are around for a very long time. 🙂
thank you! every day nonsense can make more lose sight of what’s important to me. it’s hard to stay focused with so much to do.
I am so with you on that one! I think you need to give yourself a break. You will get there (judging by your great writing skills!), maybe when the boys are a little bit older. And I agree, you do not need to lose 5 lbs!
haha! it’s all about the angle! thank you. i’m a keep on pluggin. 🙂
Even your last comment was readable and funny. It’s because I know it’s real and the truth. You are one of my favorites. If people who love your writing keeps you at all motivated let me go on the record.
thank you so much! i love that record. i hope it keeps playing! 😉
Oh boy, do I know this feeling. I feel like there are so many things that I want to do, or at least I say I want to do… but the motivation is somewhere lacking.
it’s so hard to keep focused with all the stuff that needs to be done.
who are you kidding, you move mountains everyday.there are just a few pebbles in the way, they to will move when you are ready.
holy hell on a stick yes. this is TOTALLY all me. completely. I really do need a good shove. I tell myself that writing in a blog is enough, that having strangers comment on my blog is enough. I know it’s not, deep down. but i’m too… lazy, tired, scared to do anything more. dammit.
A friend of mine self-published – maybe that’s an avenue? He wrote Sugar Milk: What one dad drinks when he can’s afford Vodka….really good book actually. But you will do it – you will get to it. We all have those random goals – only the really good ones we get to and this is one of them!
Maybe you don’t know what you really want. I know that’s my problem.
i don’t know… i just think i don’t want it bad enough. i used to be much more focused.
Your writing – since I first started reading you last year – has grown tremendously. This is a lovely example of a post that could have been a ramble, but is tied with just the right amount of editing twine. Well done.
thank you so much. that means a lot to me. yeah write has been so wonderful and supportive. i found you guys basically within weeks of starting my blog and your weekly linkups have given me purpose and structure. and the community and writing is just so so good.
Oh, yes, yes! Motivation to “push” myself is SO DAMN HARD. I feel you there, and I love the way you put it!
thank you. it used to be so much easier!
It seems I’d missed this post ,yesterday….
Luckily here I am to pat you on your shoulder , to proclame you are the best , to promise that ,as soon as the boys grow up ,you’ll fulfill all your aims….
Why not taking it easier now? ( I ‘m talking about all the frustrated accomplishments you mentioned,of course…)
Ciao , carissima , you don’t need to lose weight , ok?
Bacio
i was tricky and posted at night. i usually post in the morning. i’m glad you still found me! and maybe you’re right. maybe my time will be when there aren’t so many other’s to take care of. why do some things always feel like, now or never?? and i appreciate the compliment. i will accept it with the caveat that it was a good shot. thank you. 🙂
😀
So brilliant the analogy you made here and I so relate to all of it. Right down to the reluctance to get off the park bench and push, loaded down with a bag full of unnecessary extras. We get bogged down in the day to day, our motivation gets up and walks out the door and we lose sight of the fact that we need to take stock of what we want and go out there and get it. Bravo. I love this piece!
so appreciate that. it is so hard to make our way out under all the ‘stuff’ !!
Nice reversal here. I like doing the introspection inspired by kids thing, and hope you can find that push that you need, or what it is you really want right now. And until then, maybe you can enjoy pushing Julius.
please, after carrying my bag, my arm doesn’t want to do any pushing!! haha
This is brilliant! I’m right there with you needing a push. Can you send your son over here to give me one too? xo
ha! he is good!
Can your son give me a push too? I need it.
he is available and ready. 🙂
Ass off of park bench . . . ass in chair to write. That’s what I’m learning as I go. Thanks for a great post.
thanks for reading!
This piece so resonated with me! The paragraph near the end when you ask, “when are you going to start going after what you want?” I nearly shouted, YES!! to my laptop. Is this a universal feeling writers go through? It’s nice to know we’re in the same boat, but I’m so ready to make it to the other side. Hopefully we can all give each other the “push” we need, when we need it.
i know. i wonder if it’s always this way? i do remember i time when i was less overwhelmed with life that i was more focused on my own goals. but it seems a long time ago…
This is brilliant. I LOVE this piece. I love how you structured it, and your last sentence is perfect. I ask myself the same questions as well. I don’t need a push, I need a kick.
Excellent parallel between pushing Julius on the swing and needing a push yourself. I’m often amazed at how instrumental kids are to adults. They really can teach us a thing or two.
By the way, I was laughing at your desire to sort receipts. I just finished sorting my receipts while my daughter was in dance class. 😉
sorting receipts and coupons i almost never use is almost soothing at this point.
This is great on many levels. We all need a push sometimes, and we all definitely need ‘someone’ sometimes. 🙂
true. and sometimes we need a shove.
Great post on many levels. We all need a push sometimes, and we all need ”someone” sometimes. 🙂
I love the way you structure this essay, and the way you express what so many of us feel from time to time. It is hard to swing to dizzying heights ourselves when we have little people who still need us firmly on the ground. In the end, these are the sacrifices we make, quite willingly. You are building a platform, strengthening your writing muscles, AND raising three beautiful boys. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
thank you for the push. 🙂
When you do jump, get ready for anything. Be strong and do all your homework before you do it. Sometimes all the prep & work in the world can’t make it happen. For book deals, etc, knowing the right people really makes a difference. Good luck and God bless!
thank you! it’s so hard the energy to put any more effort in then i’m already doing with everything. i don’t know how people do it. but i will, or at least, i hope i will. thank you again. 🙂
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same boat, i tell you =D the things i could accomplish with just a little push!
it’s hard just getting on the swing. 😉
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