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Congratulations! You have a girl! Nah, just kidding.

His tie was the kind you find on crazy people. Or comedians. Turns out he was both. Except he was also one of the OB/GYN’s in my practice. We were supposed to rotate through all the doctors, since technically, you never knew who would be on call when you went into labor. Somehow, I didn’t get around to meeting Dr. Biden until I was 7 months pregnant.

“Hey there.” He said, sliding his stool in between my open legs. “How’s my girl doing?”

My husband and I exchanged a glance. We had never met this doctor, and he was looking at my vagina. He couldn’t be talking to my vagina, could he? That might qualify as inappropriate.

Wait. Maybe he meant the baby? But we had decided not to find out the sex. We were big into the surprise, no matter how much it irked my grandmother.

“Excuse me,” I interrupted. “Are we having a girl? We don’t know the sex.”

He dramatically rolled his stool away from my open legs and snapped off his rubber gloves. I closed up shop, and sat up, looking at him expectantly.

“Oh, I don’t know.” He shrugged, “But that’s all I deliver.”

What was he saying? My husband and I looked at him apprehensively.

“Yep. I got two girls at home, and that’s all I deliver.”

Was I in the psych ward? I couldn’t stop staring at his Sylvester and Tweetie tie. Someone was definitely a bit Looney Tunes.

“Okay,” I braved cautiously and slowly. “So… what if I have a boy?”

“He does it.” He pointed to my husband.

“Me?” Howard asked, appalled. You couldn’t take Howard’s pulse, without him getting woozy.

“Yup, you.” He stood up to leave.  “Got any other kids?”

“One. A boy.” I answered automatically, still confused and distressed by this entire encounter.

“What’s her name?”  He asked, with half his body out the door.

“It’s a boy.” I repeated. “His name is Tyler.”

“Well, she’s going to be a big sister soon!” Wide crazy grin, and he’s out.

“What the hell was that?” I asked my husband.

“That was crazy.” Howard concurred.

“Do you think he was just covering up for accidentally telling us the sex of the baby?”

“Definitely possible.”

“I really hope he’s not on call when I deliver.”

“Copy that.”

March 22, 10:30am.

I got to the hospital already 7cm dilated. Howard ran thru 3 red lights to get us there, which is so impressive for my by the book attorney husband. If I wasn’t about to have a baby, I might just be turned on.

Through major contractions, I struggled to answer the questions required from a nurse who was as impassive as I was aflame. While I grit my teeth and writhed in pain, she apathetically repeated her unanswered question. “Allergies?”

Before I could scream my answer, a new question from a new voice interrupted.

“How’s my girl?” I heard, taking my pain to a whole new level.

My doctor had arrived.

“If you think you’re in pain,” He joked. “Try being shot three times.”

WTF? My face must have been quite the contortion of agony and horrified bewilderment.

“Oh yeah,” he continued, moving to lift his shirt, “want to see my scars?”

“No!” me, my husband and several of the nurses shouted simultaneously.

“Ignore him.” One of the nurses said to us, “He’s always messing around.”

“How bout you and I mess around?” Dr. Biden said suggestively and I think my amazement actually momentarily overrode my contraction.

It went like that for bit, one inappropriate comment after another. We were assured multiple times by the nurses that he was in fact a real doctor. And a good one. When the time came, my baby was out in three pushes.

On the last, I saw the doctor pull back from my body and motion to my husband. “Come here, now.”

My husband, already woozy from just being in the vicinity of a bleeding person, looked as if he were going to pass out. He shook his head.

“Come on, someone has to.”  Dr. Biden pulled away from my body further, and there was a beat of panic in the room.

Shakily, Howard moved in, seemingly at the last moment, and brought our baby out into this world. With the help of a nurse, he placed our newborn on my stomach.

“Congratulations! You have a girl!” Dr. Biden announced.

“We have a girl.” I thought, full of emotion and joy.

“Uh, no we don’t.” My husband’s voice interrupted my baby is out of my vagina euphoria. I snapped back to crazy, hormonal new mom.

“What the hell do I have!!!???”

“I’m looking at penis here.” Howard said and we both looked at the doctor wearing his best ‘who me’ face.

“What? I told you, I only deliver girls.”

Happy birthday, my feisty, green-eyed boy with the mischievous smile and fetching charm.  You could put the sun out of business, the way you light up a room and warm my heart. You have been the happiest surprise right from the start.

*When I went back to the office at 6 weeks, I heard Dr. Biden was out on medical leave. I’m betting on psychiatric.

DCF 1.0

Can you stand that gorgeous face?!

Can you stand that gorgeous face?!

 

About Ice Scream Mama

Mama to 3 boys, wife to Mr. Baseball and daughter of a sad man. I have a double scoop every day.

44 responses »

  1. Absolutely gorgeous!!! Tell him happy birthday from the monaco’s!!!

    Reply
  2. I think this is my favorite one. Happy Birthday to your little guy and to YOU too. 🙂

    Reply
  3. Beautiful!! Despite the carziness, nothing tops a happy healthy, (Dare I?) Bouncing baby boy. Congratulations on having a healthy family

    Reply
  4. I had an obgyn just like that! For one prenatal visit, I walked into the examining room and my doctor was lying on the table – his motorcycle boots in the stirrups. He looked over at me and said, “Please use the small probe”

    Then when I was in labor and couldn’t stop shaking I apologized to him. “I’m sorry, I can’t stop shaking!” I said, “Neither can I!” he said, “I’ve never done this before!”

    Reply
  5. Lovely story,beautiful photos ,both yours( ! ) and gorgeous boy’s!

    Reply
  6. Ashley Austrew

    What a beautiful BOY you have there! I can’t believe that doctor. That might just be the craziest story I’ve heard, ever.

    Reply
  7. Happy birthday, sweet BOY! That is one of the funniest birth stories ever, mama. What was up with that doctor? Looney Tunes, indeed.

    Reply
  8. Happy birthday to your little guy! That is an insane story. I think OB-GYNs tend to be a little on the crazy side, but your story is definitely the best I’ve ever heard.

    Reply
  9. So funny! I don’t know how I would have reacted with that doctor! Happy Birthday to your BOY!!

    Reply
  10. blowingoffsteamandmore

    Ha! Happy Birthday to your son! The doctor sounds like he escaped from the loony bin but at least everything ended well!

    Reply
  11. I love that doctor! she’s hilarious!

    Reply
  12. Love it!! Happy birthday to your middle baby!!

    Reply
  13. What a wacko. I would not have liked that one bit.

    Reply
  14. I would have used my contractions as an excuse to punch him. Doesn’t he deserve to have some sense knocked into him? Great story though.

    Reply
  15. Oh my god! That man is crazy! I mean, I’ve worked with some bizarre docs, but he sounds nuts! This is why I use female docs… BEST birth story I’ve ever read or heard though! Happy Birthday to your young man!

    Reply
  16. That was really funny to read!! I had to laught a lot…(*≧▽≦)ノシ))

    Reply
  17. Holy cow! That is quite the story! You had me the whole way through 🙂

    Reply
  18. Oh my god I do NOT know how you handled that! I might have been screaming for a different doctor, even if I had to pay out of pocket. I think it’s important to stay away from crazy people.

    Reply
  19. Wow! Dr. Biden was cuckoo for cocoa puffs, huh? Reminds me of an OB I had a long time ago, but that’s another story. Happy birthday to your little guy! Hilarious post!

    Reply
  20. Looney tunes alright! I’d demand extra pain meds just to put up with that doc. Maybe you can get some retroactively? Great story! Happy, happy birthday to that gorgeous little boy of yours – what a face!

    Reply
  21. Pingback: You say middle. I say center. | Icescreammama

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