I’m cold.
I know it’s officially Spring, but the air is still crisp, and with the up and down temperatures this winter, my body has never adapted. I feel almost naked, and I hunker down in my coat as the wind whips my face. I have a ‘thing’ at the school that I’m in no mood for. Just getting to the car leaves me chilled to the bone. Lately, I’ve been wondering if I’m going to have to do the Florida migration in a couple of years. My body really hates the cold.
I left the house annoyed and unhappy. I had a bad day and it leaked into my night. It was a repeat of the night before and possibly the one before that. It comes like that, in waves, and sometimes I just can’t shake it; my dark mood wrapped as tightly around my neck as my grey wool scarf. I don’t know why the things that I usually casually brush off won’t budge, like my shovel in wet, heavy snow. I don’t know why I let it all settle, deep in my gut. How can I feel so heavy, yet so empty?
It could have been the boys, just being boys, fighting, teasing, playing too rough. And me, being overwhelmed.
Or, it could have been the never-ending laundry, pile of dishes and errands. And me, being overwhelmed.
Or it could have been my depressed, dysfunctional, disabled father throwing his burden on my back, needing more and more of my energy and assistance. And me, being overwhelmed.
It could just be my nature. I’m prone to deep thinking, and it is not always my friend. There’s so much to appreciate and yet, life is death. It’s a cold slap of reality that I never fully realized till my mid to late thirties. And now, I’ve never felt so keenly aware of how vapor thin life is. How delicate. How a strong gust of wind can push someone over the edge, just like that.
I arrive at the school and watch the people walking past. Some walk purposefully, others stroll arm in arm with a spouses or friends. I close my eyes and rest my head back against the seat. The radio is talking news, talking weather, talking sports. It’s as soothing as a sound machine set to waterfall. I don’t want to get out of the safety of the car. I don’t want to put on a happy face.
But I know I will. I always do.
I shiver and pull my coat tightly around me. It’s really not even that bad out. They’re predicting milder temperatures tomorrow. I hope so. I really can’t wait to feel the sun.
Icescreammama 
Ugh, I don’t blame you! Maybe you need a day to hibernate!
yes – and that was last week. i’m all warm on the inside now. thank you. 🙂
I get this. It’s probably no consolation b/c I am pretty morbid and grumpy, but I get it totally.
of course it is… it’s just a downer right? who wants to read this crap??
I don’t think it’s crap. I think it’s life and life sometimes just sucks the big one. Maybe the whole continent is feeling like you feel while we’re all waiting for spring and warmer weather. Might be a transition humans have to go through too. That probably doesn’t make you feel any better. But I don’t think what you have to say or how you feel is crap. Just thought I’d share that.
thanks. you’re right, it’s not. it’s all relevant and real.
🙂
Hey, take two scoops of icecream, okay three then, sit back, relax, and enjoy!
Well, just a thought…take care!
really i’m fine.. it was weeks ago.. i was afraid to post it, went back and forth.. but i’ll definitely take the 3 scoops!! 🙂
Well hang on, you sure you should get three in that case…
🙂
i will, but then i might get depressed at the size of my tuchas. 😉
I so hear you! Being in NJ for the last 2.5 years has been hard for this CA girl! Soon soon…
You really capture a moment here, nicely done
thanks. wish it were a better moment. 😉
I totally get this. I am generally a happy sort, but the past week has just been abysmal. I love the cold, but the never ending snow in NY is starting to make me a little crazy. A pipe burst in our basement on Friday night, the washing machine isn’t working right, and Passover, my least favorite holiday of the year, is right on the horizon. And mostly, I just want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head until I feel like myself again. You are so not alone.
me too! i totally wear a smile. but sometimes, things just pile up in my head (and on the ground – ha) and it becomes a big mess. i hate writing depressing essays though – almost didn’t post it. but i guess, we’re all there at times. tomorrow… tomorrow… the sun will come out.. tomorrow… too bad you couldn’t hear me!! you’d be laughing!
Here in northern Italy it’ s snowing!!!
Imagine if I can’t understand you…..
You need warmer days but….. you also need some rest ,etc. etc.
(When I’m “desperate” I turn into “the mother of myself” and it works!)
i love that!! mother of myself… i wish i could figure out how to do that. i generally just have ice cream, take a deep breath and keep going. that was a bad day but there are so many good ones. i try to keep it all in perspective. and you’re in italy??!!! wow!! 🙂
I hear ya over here in MO! 7 straight weekends of somebody in the house being sick has made us all crazy with cabin fever and ready to snap. My wife even asked if I thought she needed to start taking “happy pills” whatever that is. lol.
I’m spending this week off of work for spring break taking kids to doctors appointments and being generally miserable because it’s still freakin’ cold outside.
Hooray parenting!
haha!! so fun. a good laugh is just around the corner.
Winter has this effect on me too. If I could get away with it, I wouldn’t leave the house from November until April. The days feel so short and there’s always so much to do, but all I really want to do is sit around in my PJ’s and nap.
i know! so happy spring is here!! thank goodness for the sun!
What is this “sun” of which you speak?
Okay, we did have a brief glimpse of the sun today-between snow flurries.
it’s coming!!!
Sunshine makes everything better. I hope you get some tomorrow! Dreary days bring me down big time.
yes but thank goodness they’re surrounded by sunny ones.
you always do have a smile on your face!! Give yourself a break and come over for a glass of wine anytime!!
oh, and you can bring the boys too!
haha!!
i’m in!! 🙂
I relate with this a lot. I’m an introspective sort too, and I too am feeling the dark mood “wrapping around my neck.” I fight to be positive everyday; some days it’s easier than others.
same. but i truly appreciate every day and try. at times, putting on a smile is the best thing to do.
the sun will come out tomorrow. there is always a new flavor of ice-cream
On Wed, Mar 20, 2013 at 4:33 PM, Icescreammama
I’m glad you decided to post this. I often struggle with many of the feelings you describe. Knowing I’m not alone (and sunshine!) makes a huge difference.
i really appreciate that. i was kind of on the fence. hope you in the sun today. 🙂
This winter seems like it’s lasting longer than it should. Last year at this time, it was like, in the 80s here in Chicago, and I was feeling, if not happy happy joy joy cheerful, certainly much less grumpy. I think even the physical motion of having to hunching into your body to protect yourself from the cold makes us grumpy, less open.
yes – we are like budding flowers in the sun – so open to warmth and happiness!!
I feel you here and appreciate your honest, lyrical depiction of these days. I don’t know if everyone has “days like this,” but I do. I hope yours pass quickly and effortlessly. Here’s to a new 24 hours starting soon. xo
I totally feel you as I sit in the library for an all nighter. Life of a grad student. It’s cold and dark. As Annie once said, “The sun will come out, TOMORROW!!”
Yes!! I’m ready!
This really resonated with me. I’ve been feeling a lot like this lately. Life can just be so heavy, cold, and overwhelming at times. Here’s to a brighter tomorrow!
hear hear!!
I totally get it. I was in Phoenix a month ago, and I’ve been cold since the moment I got back. I daydream every day of living there again so I can be warm and not have to wear scarves and socks and a coat all the time. I feel your agony!
soon!! the warmth is almost here!!!
It’s actually comforting to know that someone else has days like that too. You are so talented at being raw and honest. Being a deep thinker is a blessing and a curse but it’s made you a great writer:)
thank you. i really appreciate that. i was a little worried about this one.
I ❤ u
The sun on your face can change everything……I hope you get some rest, and some sunshine is in your future (hug)
thanks. the sun warms me from inside out.
I have been in a hubby-induced funk since mid-January. But I’m taking steps forward, albeit small ones. The sun is coming… Hopefully soon…
it’s coming, i feel it already starting to warm my bones..hopefully for you too.
Today, in Chicago, it is sunny and 17. When I put on my sunglasses (for the first time in FOREVA), they immediately fogged up. Maybe I cursed but was happy for some sun. It’s spring but there are no spring-like attitude adjustments yet here. I totally get absolutely everything you’re saying here. I, too, am a deep thinker which I find to be a blessing and a curse and I completely realize “vapor thin life is.” One step in front of the other and think about all these cyber hugs sent your way!
yes. just have to keep appreciating the good, because there really (poo poo) is so much good. wow. 17? that’s freaking cold!
Good NIGHT, I’ve been there. I really hope you find some sunshine in your life soon, be it real or proverbial. You’re so close to Spring!!! xo
yes!! and i’ve got a lot of sunshine, even on a cloudy day. 😉
Me too! I am so sick and exhausted of this year’s winter. And just when you think it’s gone for good, it comes back. Probably the season is so depressing and secluding, one tends to go into the introspective-mode which mostly leads to more frustration about everything. Both the post well written and conveys the emotion well. 🙂
thanks. i feel like we’re there – i mean it is officially spring! however, it lightly snowing outside now. arrrrggh
Yes exactly, I guess we have made it to spring, though the occasional snow does demolish my high spirits.
with you… but it’s coming… 🙂
It’s this never ending winter! I live in NY and I keep telling myself, once it gets above 50 and the sun can warm my bones, life will seem a little easier.
yes!!!! i can almost feel it!!
I’m with you. This weather is getting to me and exacerbating all the other annoyances and trials and tribulations that are just part of life. Hope you see the sun soon.
Yes, that’s the thing. There’s always days like these…
true, but as long as we keep going, the next good one is right around the corner.
I can totally relate, having a mother with a brain injury. I love reading your blogs xx
caring for sick parents is a tough job. i’m with you. 😦
but we always have find the positives, right?
and thank you so much. i so appreciate that.