The parking lot where Michael’s, King Kullen supermarket and Marshall’s converge is a frenzy of discount shopping, food and insufficient parking. You easily need to factor in 15 minutes circling time before you might be lucky enough to be at the right place at the right time when those reverse headlights flare. And you’d better hope you’re not near a revving Lexus who’s in the mood for chicken.
Today I considered myself lucky when it only took four laps of musical cars before I scored a spot at the far end of the lot. Then, having completed my extremely necessary mission to Michael’s for candy eyes for cupcakes, I head back toward my car, placing bets on which lucky lapper will win my coveted spot when I realize there’s a BMW parked illegally behind my car, making it virtually impossible for me to get out.
I’m mentally configuring the odds of a 456 point turn when a blonde woman with giant sunglasses steps from the vehicle. “Um, you know that’s not a spot,” I say but her head is too far up her ass to hear me so she just slings her Gucci bag over her shoulder and slams the door shut.
“Excuse me!” I say louder, “You can’t park there.”
She hears me now but I gather by the way she completely ignores me that she doesn’t want to acknowledge my existence and is about to stomp off in shoes that I would only fall off.
“How bout I back up into your car? I suggest with just a hint of confrontation.
That gets her attention but like the passive aggressive bitch she is, she just smiles and says, “Oh, you’re leaving. Great, I’ll take your spot.”
I don’t want to give her my spot. I want to back my beat up minivan right into her sleek silver driving machine. I want to crush the life out if. I wouldn’t even mind spending the rest of my life driving a car with a crumpled behind. It’s not like I don’t walk around with one of my own.
But that’s not nice manners or legal, so I get into my car, back up and leave. So unceremonious. So unsatisfying. So wimpy. I felt efeminated. I had been schooled by a bitch with a BMW and a good blow out.
I fume the whole way back to town up until I pull into the school to pick up my boys. As I am about to swing into a spot, I see a car opposite me angling to do the same. Ah, redemption! I will own that spot; a little turbo boost to my wounded ego.
But still I hesitate before I hit the gas, and in that second, the car across from me pulls in.
Argh! Foiled again!
Frustrated I drive on and find a spot, really only about 10 feet away, but that’s not the point.
Walking to the school, I see the person emerge from the vehicle who just stole my spot with my pathetic show weakness. Turns out to be my friend. We both brighten. She knows nothing of our parking duel to the death and how she bested me.
“Hey, I got you something,” She says, and knowing my affinity for all things sweet, pulls a pack of jellybeans from her bag.
I take them and smile. The Universe has soothed me. Apparently sometimes patience is rewarded.
But I still hope that chic from Michael’s gets her just desserts.
Smashing this car would definitely be justifiable.
Icescreammama 
I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed reading this. Why? Because I have been there oh so many times and I feel your pain. I have never been rude to anyone, but I have sure been tempted I can tell you.
ha! thank you! it is soooo frustrating!!
Ah the battle of the parking lot!! One time as I was trying to pull out of the middle school parking lot a woman came in and blocked me, I was just about to yell at her, and she was about to do the same to me, until we saw each other. It was my friend Karen. We still crack each other up about this four years later. Loved your piece!
there’s nothing like a parking lot to bring out the beast in people! haha
The parking lot is where I feel most furious, for some reason. I have my own stories but they raise my BP too much!
yep. safer to order everything on line!
Lol on the crumpled behind. I liked how you captured the attitude of the BMW lady. Ugh. I get myself into little wars that only I know about all the time. Glad the universe sent you jelly beans at least.
Yep. It’s the little things. 🙂
TAWANDA!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lx0z9FjxP-Y
BHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I remember that!!! Thank you!!
it was the first thing that came to mind. i couldn’t help it. 🙂
wouldn’t be great if we could actually allow ourselves to do that!
This reminds me of that scene in “Fried Green Tomatoes” where Kathy Bates rams the young girl’s car and says “I’m older and I have more insurance.”
The worst parking lot is Costco. People go nuts there.
yes! christina, on the comment below, just sent the link!! so funny and true!!
I might have circled back around and slashed one of her tires…
i could never, except in my brain, where i was smashing the crap out of her car and possibly running her over as well.
Honestly, same here. But I’d do it in my mind repeatedly.
Ugh, I know parking lots like those. The one in my neighborhood is a TJ Maxx/McDonalds/Carvel hybrid, and the parking is so bananas that you need to do a 980 degree turn to get out of the actual spots without anyone blocking you. I think you should have rammed the bitch (the car, obviously, not the actual person).
parking lots really do bring out the worst in people!
Sometime victory can be sweet, remember your marvelous
Sounds like you had quite the afternoon :). Clint then this
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clint would have smashed her!
I actually had a fight with someone in a parking lot — not over a space, but because the jerk wouldn’t walk 10 feet to put his cart in the slot.
I was polite, “The return slot is just over there.”
The other guy said “you tryin’ to run my life”
“No, I’m trying to protect my car and those of other people.
You’re trying to run my life.
Arrrgh, I said. “You’re clearly a Republican.”
It went downhill from there. My son, about 12 at the time, was in the car, trying to disappear.
Two months later Jacob’s new math tutor rang the door bell. Guess who.
We both pretended not to know each other.
omg! that is an hysterical story!! ‘you’re clearly a republican..” hahahaha!!
It was much funnier when the guy wasn’t standing on my door step, actually.
yeah, i get that. hello, awkward.
This reminded me of the movie “Fried Green Tomatoes” and the ultimate menopausal drivers revenge. I’m sure we’ve all thought about it once or twice!
yup! totally! wish she was driving my car! haha
I love the East coast where – where people will hurt you over a parking spot. Challenge accepted. People in the Midwest are so damn nice they would never dream of taking a spot. However, should one do then a former Jersey girl may roll her window down and tell you off…hypothetically of course;)
woo! jersey’s in the house!
Your friend new what she did. Don’t think for one second that she doesn’t know that she bested you. Your little encounter with BMW lady is one of the few reasons why it’s satisfying to be a police officer. You’d be surprised how quickly most people change their tune when the badge comes out.
ha! i don’t know… maybe. but i’ll take it from her. but the bmw chick.. ooooooh, it would almost be worth getting arrested for that second. haha
Ah, that’s so funny! When I picked up my kids at school on Friday, someone pulled into the spot I wanted right ahead of me. Luckily, there was enough room left for me to park behind that car. Then as I’m standing on the playground talking to my one mom friend she says she saw me park right behind her and she could tell I’m from the Bay Area b/c I parallel parked like a boss. It was her! All is forgiven… Seriously, too funny.
all’s fair in playgrounds and parking. 😉
Next time, unless you are in a huge hurry, just go into the store and ask them to call a tow truck. Uppity bitch will gets hers when her undercarriage is being unceremoniously hoisted out of that parking lot!