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Let The iBeatings Begin!

I want to beat my children. Wait, did I say that out loud? Please don’t call child services. I don’t really want to beat them in the literal way, just figuratively. Figuratively, I want to beat them silly.

Why? I don’t know. Maybe because they’re spoiled and deserve a good figurative beating. Because maybe, I’m tired of the word, “Wait” when I’m asking something like, “Do you want vanilla or chocolate?” and their video game can’t be interrupted; or maybe because they remember they need special molding clay at 9pm for a diorama due the next day. Or because I make three different dinners for them to say, “I’m not hungry” but five minutes after everything has been cleared away, find them attached to my waist, devastated by hunger. Because I sit and help patiently with homework only to be told that “It’s fine” with an eye roll of disdain, even when it’s not, and they haven’t figured out yet that they should say bless you when I sneeze, or offer to help when I’m schlepping in 12 grocery bags instead of throwing their knapsack on top of the bags. That’s why. I could go on, if you need more.

But it’s no longer the 70’s when beatings were just as acceptable as lack of supervision and random light drug use. When I tell my children I’m going to beat them – an entertaining threat that I somehow picked up watching the hysterical skit from Bill Cosby Himself – they roll their eyes. “Oh funny, mom.”   Yeah, I have them quaking in their furry crocs.

Ooops.

Ooops.

I need something to show them that I mean business. I probably would get more of a response if I threatened to beat their devices.

That’s it! They would cower in fear. I would have them at my mercy. I can hear them now…

“NO! My iPhone hasn’t done anything wrong. Please, beat me! Just leave it alone.”

“But, it’s taken me so long to get to that level!”

“Not my contacts!”

“Take the DS! Or the Wii. Just leave the X-Boxxxxxxx!”

phone death 3

Gee, what’s that doing there? Mwahahaha

Or, maybe we could create a new app – iMomfia where I control all the apps on my kids’ devices. If one of the children doesn’t behave, I could make one of their apps just disappear. They’ll never know which one.

I would hold their complete submission in my hands. I would have them doing their homework, putting their dishes in the sink, taking showers without hassle. It’s genius. Or blackmail. Same, same.

Somehow technology has become the only effective method of bribery in my house. For the past few years I’ve used it as a carrot, dangling before them. “Do well in school this year and I’ll get you an iTouch… Show me how helpful you can be around the house and maybe you’ll earn yourself an iTunes card…”  So, I guess it’s partly my fault that it’s become the most important thing to them, but I prefer to blame society.

Yes! It’s society’s fault that I own them in the first place, and now just to get my children’s attention, I may have to beat a device worth hundreds of dollars.

Ouch.

This is gonna hurt.

phone death

*No children or devices were harmed in the making of this totally humorous post.

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About Ice Scream Mama

Mama to 3 boys, wife to Mr. Baseball and daughter of a sad man. I have a double scoop every day.

61 responses »

  1. Haha! I put toys in time out at our house, but I like the idea of an app time out or “hiding.”

    Reply
  2. Glad to see that isn’t one of those Cutco knives or that device would be history. Everyday, I am more tempted to take “MindCRACK” away. I can’t take it … I feel your pain.

    Reply
  3. Please let me know as soon as iMomfia becomes available and most importantly as soon as it’s available for Android. :)

    Reply
  4. There were days when I could look at my children and say, “If you don’t shape up, you won’t be going to school tomorrow!” And their eyes would blast wide open and whatever annoyance they were participating in would instantly cease. Not so much anymore. Now I must use the threat of eliminating their daily allowance of screen time. What a weird world we live in. Thank you for a damned funny (and RELATABLE) post.

    Reply
  5. I have threatened to step on a certain 15 year old’s iPhone. You use what you got!!! Lol! Very funny! :)

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  6. Sense is senseless today is it not? That’s why tapping into one’s Punchyish nature helps to cope with it all don’t you think?

    Reply
  7. Hah! This is great. I think it’s normal. I was bribed with ice cream or a new toy. It’s just changed to iphones and game systems nowadays. :)

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  8. Get one of these to show you mean business.

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  9. I think I have said it before but I am now pretty sure WE ARE THE SAME PERSON!!

    Reply
  10. Cute post and please let us all know when you patent that! My son is only 20 months, but I’m sure I’ll need iMomfia!

    Reply
  11. I hear ya sister! Looooved this essay! Hilarious and oh so true!!

    Reply
  12. I always hold the kindle over the open garbage can when they won’t do their homework. I totally understand where you’re coming form!

    Reply
  13. I am liking the imomfia app. Let’s get that in development. Or an app that if they are bad you can activate it and all their friend’s calls and texts go to you first to answer and embarrass them thoroughly….we will be millionaires…or something.

    Reply
  14. alisa, start filing for the patent and build that app. You could probably get one of the neighborhood science research kids to help you. Loved it

    Reply
  15. Often just taking the device away works at my house ;) Such a different world vs when I grew up.

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  16. OMG “Or, maybe we could create a new app – iMomfia where I control all the apps on my kids’ devices. If one of the children doesn’t behave, I could make one of their apps just disappear. They’ll never know which one.” you are brilliant!!!

    Reply
  17. Natalie DeYoung

    You know what? You gotta hit em where it hurts. Had my parents thought to take away my books, I would have behaved in a hurry!

    Reply
  18. My parents sent me to my room with nothing to do, but idle away my time in complete boredom thinking about what I had done wrong. The older I got, the longer the length of time. Then it was “being grounded”. That could last for days or longer. No friends. No phone. No activities. No TV. No books. Just sit on the bed and stay on the bed. Thankfully, I could take bathroom breaks and eat meals at the kitchen table. (We didn’t have video games, cell phones, etc.). I wish someone tried to bribe me. That would have been a nice change.

    Very funny post! I love the photo and that last line that “no children or devices were harmed…” :)

    Reply
  19. Its a pain in the butt with the bigger things like xbox but taking them completely away was the only answer in our house when things got ridiculously stupid..funny post… cuz it is so damn true and such a daily occurance!

    Reply
  20. I have actually disabled the service on my daughter’s iPhone to show her a lesson. It works every time. You are going in the right direction!

    Reply
  21. Loved this! I feel the same way, especially about how spoiled they are and asking for food 5 minutes after dinner is cleaned up. I don’t beat my kids either, but I found a virtual way to do it. Instead of sitting in time out like they did when they were little, all of the electronics go in a time out for a minimum of an hour, depending on the crime. Good luck!

    Reply
  22. My children have reached the age where technology holds a special freedom. It can be effective as a way to gain their undivided attention, but thankfully they are reaching a point of understanding where this is not the only way. I know many parents feel your suggestion is there only hope. .

    Reply
  23. Love it – and let me know when you get that mom app that controls their devices worked out. I’ll be the first to buy it :)

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  24. I love this: “I have them quaking in their furry Crocs!” YES. My toddler still says “bless you,” but I think, ironically, that ends around age 3. Oh well.

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  25. My kids never listen to me either. It is my biggest failing as a parent.

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  26. WTG! I just took phones away and deactivated FB…GASP…. I write on cell rules on my blog and I failed….it sucks

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  27. iMomfia is a necessary, no direly needed, app for our times. Any time my oldest acts up, it’s “no video games.” Any time he says he’s bored, it means his video game time has run out and my call of “go read a book” falls on deaf ears. However . . . I am a drill sergeant of a mom. While by no means always well behaved, polite or helpful . . . my kids WILL help me schlep groceries and they know if I ever here a “wait” that device will swiftly disappear, iMomfia or no. Then again, I’m the mean mom. I am absolutely ok with that role.

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    • i have to say, i’ve always been a smothering wimp, but i’ve changed over the last year. it’s not working for me anymore to talk and have no one listen. they’re getting older. it’s time to get with the program. i hear you. ;)

      Reply
  28. I so feel you here. I mean, I so so feel you. My kids aren’t into electronics yet, but I will be taking a knife to them when it’s time.

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    • seriously. it’s bad. i only just realized how bad this year. my kids are older than yours. all of a sudden, i realized that no one listens, i’m a slave and they are attached to devices. what happened here??!

      Reply
  29. I have so threatened to beat their DS with a hammer at extreme moments. We finally locked it away for months on end, and they thought they would never see it again. They know I will do it again!! It is the only stick I have left with my 12 year old, that or grounding him from seeing his friends. Dire! LOL I loved the photo of your shoe with the phone. Made me laugh. I haven’t given mine smart phones, so I may be significantly meaner than you! Eeek!

    Reply
  30. “Wait” or “I’m almost finished with this level” are very aggravating responses to our simple requests, aren’t they?

    You may be onto something here. I accidentally erases Ace’s Minecraft progress trying to help her with something and you’d think I had killed her puppy she was so upset.

    Reply
  31. I love this so hard. Of course! Why didn’t I think of this. It’s brilliant! iThreats! It’s a phenomenon the way kids are nowadays. Did I sound old there or what? But back in the 70s, as you so hilariously pointed out, there was no WAY we were pulling the sh*t these kids do. But then, try to pry me away from my laptop half the time and see what happens. My husband is always reminding me to lead by example. And I say to him “Wait…” ;)

    Reply
  32. Pingback: Feature Friday: Ice Scream Mama | Stuphblog

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