“Um, what’s this you ordered?”
I heard my husband’s voice lifted in curiosity from the other room and immediately knew what he was asking about.
“Why do your breasts need a pillow?” He asked with brows raised, walking in holding a package looking both baffled and intrigued.
“Wait.” He stopped himself and me before I could answer. “It’s for your mother, right?”
I was about to nod yes, but he didn’t need me to and continued his conversation with himself. “I knew it.” He studied the golden package, turning it over in his hands. The picture showed a woman with a device that looked like a small baby carrier; straps over the shoulders and a small hour glass shaped pillow running down thru the breast area.
“What is it for?” His eyes held the confusion of men everywhere trying desperately to understand women things.
Again, I opened my mouth to explain, but he put an end to the one sided conversation by tossing the package back on the table and rolling his eyes. “Forget it. I don’t want to know.”
He was right. He didn’t want to know. Only my mother could find a pillow intended to support the breasts during sleep to keep them from pushing up and creating wrinkles in the sensitive décolleté area. If you don’t know what that is, it’s the area of skin under the neck and above the breast, generally exposed to sun and prone to wrinkles and discoloration as we age. Apparently, just having breasts and sleeping promotes these wrinkles as well.
Luckily my mother has the great and powerful Dr. Oz to inform her of all these miracles to help reduce her lines and leave her forever young. Remember when the end all be all of TV host promotion revolved around Oprah sharing her favorite things? Ah, simpler times.
Now Oz promotes everything from HCG injection diets to Oil of Oregano, Green coffee bean extract, Garcinia Cambogia, the Breast Pillow and a million other supplements, ingredients, foods and lifestyle choices. He’s got a hand on your heart, on your waist and even up your pants. He is all over you and all your health and vanity needs.
What beauty wisdom my mom doesn’t receive from Oz is made up from 3am infomercials promising to erase wrinkles in seconds. I try to tell her if maybe she stopped worrying and slept more it would do the same job.
But what do I know. Until recently, I thought decollate was a kind of vintage looking art work, but I then I found out that was decoupage. My bad.
So what was this pillow doing at my house anyway? Turns out, my mother is as notoriously bad at internet shopping as she is good at finding miracle anti-aging products. So, from time to time, she tells me what she wants and I order it for her on-line.
Oz reveals the secrets. I find them on Amazon. My mother basks in her youthful glow.
But if you ask my husband, it should all remain a mystery.
Dear Lord, you women are nuts. And decoupage was what I was thinking at first too! Lol.
we are. and my mom is queen. it’s hard to believe we’re related.
HAHA! Love it and love IT! Might have to get that sometime soon!
I’d love to spend an afternoon with your mom! She could give me the low down on all of Dr. Oz’s recommendations. Bet she knows how to bust belly fat. Maybe you could pick her brain for me . . .
Oh she’s a wonder of information to keep you young and beautiful forever. And she would recommend a clean diet, exercise and ‘cool sculpt’ is some miracle fat melting laser something. any other problems, i’ll forward them along. 😉
I once heard about a remedy….
Oh good, you included the picture. I was picturing it completely differently and was very confused. Oh, and thanks a lot! Now I have one more thing to worry about as I get older. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a website to visit . . .
ha! my mother (and amazon and oz) says it works. any other beauty questions, i’ll be sure to forward to her.
Haha at least your mother inspires hilarious things to write about
she and my father are a book between them. a very different book – although it is interesting they ever got together.
I don’t know, this sounds kind of genius to me…and I love Dr. Oz too.
she swears it is… and she never swears. 😉
I just started taking Garcinia Cambogia a few days ago. If it doesn’t work, I may need that breast pillow too.
you’ll have to let me know if it works. my mother is giving the boob pillow raves.
OMG, your mom is too much. Does she read this blog?
she is too much and she does. i let her read it first. i purposely made the perspective much less about her. she is funny but she’s not really the one i worry about reading my blog, there’s that other parent I write about…
Nyahahah! Your mother is the bomb! Ummm you got that from Amazon right? 😉
haha!! yes! very highly rated!!
ha! I’ve never heard of such a thing. Hysterical!
oh, my mother is anti aging guru!
Oh my god! That was hilarious and I can actually picture your husband and his reactions 😀
Now you got me thinking of decotellage 😉
haha!! at this point he just rolls his eyes and leaves the room when my mother starts talking about her skin or hair or latest find
Yah, I noticed those lines too… and figured out where it came from, but please don’t tell me you have to wear a bra to bed?? No way! What a hilarious story!
yup! it’s a harness that keeps the boobs separate so that don’t squish together and make wrinkles!
Ahhh Vanity, her middle name is Codependency!
Omg, I’ve never heard of a breast pillow! I bet my mom has though because she’s the queen of infomercials and probably Dr. Oz. 🙂
then she should meet my mom!
I listened to Dr. Oz for a bit, but then I realized he was a little kooky. And then I saw some weird weight loss ad on FB with him all the time, and then he lost me with the cult-y stuff. Still, if he inspires people to pay more attention to health and food choices, that is a good thing. Right?
This is hilarious! My mom is addicted to Dr. Oz and TV shopping. I wonder if when I’m helping her clean out her room this weekend I might come across this. Atleast now I’ll know what it is 🙂
Dr. Oz is like a cult leader!!!
That thing looks terribly uncomfortable!
i wouldn’t know. haha!
That’s really a thing? Wow. I am so not doing my part against the anti-aging thing. 😉
please, i am so failing my mother.
Would a folded pair of socks do the same thing?
hmmm i don’t know. how would they stay in place?
Dr. Oz is nothing but trouble in my mind. 🙂
same. he’s got the ‘wizard’ complex
This is priceless!! So funny!
my mother is the queen of oz!
HCG Injections? I know someone who can do that for you….