RSS Feed

I lost my edge, but kept my fingers.

When I got the email from a friend telling me she had given my name to this college girl who got credit for coming to my house to give a presentation, I thought I was doing someone a favor for school. So, even though it was annoying and it took up a bunch of time I didn’t have, I met with her.

As soon as she started her presentation, I realized I had been suckered. Or, I don’t read my emails carefully enough. Yes, she was a college student, but this was a job, selling high end cutlery door to door through recommendation. Think Avon lady with a knife.

I didn’t want to buy anything, but I could tell I was in trouble. First off, I’m a people pleaser. Second, I’m an idiot and third, I actually needed knives.

She started her schpeel and demo, cutting through a thick rope easily. Before she pulled out the aluminum can, I cut her off. “Listen, I know they’re good knives. Just tell me how much.”

Very smoothly, she rattled off numbers higher than my couch and dining room table combined. I maintained poker face. Oh yeah, I’d consider buying a set knives for a couple of grand. No problem. Was it the leftover cereal bowls and frozen pancakes on the table that gave you the impression I was a top chef?

Instead of showing her the door, I bought four knives for about $250. I know. What was wrong with me? Still, I justified that I needed knives, these were good ones and I’d never buy another knife as long as I lived.

Quickly, I realized how short that would be if I wasn’t careful.

The first time, I pulled a knife from its sheath to inspect it, I thought it looked pretty… dangerous. I turned it over in my hand, and when I looked down again my finger was oozing blood. What? I didn’t even feel anything. Crap.knives

The second time, I pulled out a knife, I just wanted to make a small tear in a plastic bag I was having trouble opening. This time, I felt it touch my finger, and knew without looking that the bag wasn’t the only thing with a tear. Yup. Gaping, gushing wound.

Bandaged on two fingers, I now assessed the knives skeptically. When my oldest asked for a sliced apple, I stared them down and walked on by. When my middle wanted his sandwich cut, again, I eyed my expensive cutlery but passed it up.

I was afraid of them.

My aunt was third to try a knife. Poor woman made the mistake of wanting a bagel. I said, “I have a serrated knife but it’s verrrrry sharp.”

“Don’t worry.” She said, a little too cavalierly.

“Seriously,” I warned. “Be careful.”

One minute later her finger was gushing. “The knife just touched me.” She said in disbelief.

The next day, I ran into a friend at the supermarket. “What happened to you?” She asked looking at my bandaged fingers.

“New knives.” I said sadly.

“Cutco?” She asked, naming the brand.

“OMG Yes! How did you know?”

She held up a hand with a finger bandaged. “Sliced the top right off. It’s just sort of growing back.”

Those knives were going back immediately.

I may have dull knives, but I am a sharp girl… who likes fingers.

Buh bye, instruments of death.

About Ice Scream Mama

Mama to 3 boys, wife to Mr. Baseball and daughter of a sad man. I have a double scoop every day.

36 responses »

  1. Hahaha, I also have a knife which I am afraid of. I keep it hidden and away from sight. I just can’t get rid of it because who knows I just might need it one day LOL

    Reply
  2. Bwahaha. So funny, and a valid cautionary tale for everyone with late-night infomercial addictions. I’m only allowed one really sharp knife, and it’s a teensy paring knife. The smaller the blade, the less likely you’ll come into contact with vital organs or arteries. That’s my knife-related motto, anyway.

    Reply
  3. This really isn’t funny…but it is! Send those knives back immediately!

    Reply
  4. I avoided the blades!!!! Cut to the chase and get rid of them!!!!!!

    Reply
  5. Lol. Um, so you do realize that the black plastic end is where you should be holding the knife, right ICM??

    Reply
  6. I hate when people come to my house selling things. It tromps all over the social issues of having someone in your house. Be happy you didn’t buy the cleaver. I’m afraid of our cleaver. I keep it put away. Hopefully the kids won’t ever find it.

    Reply
  7. After three years of struggling to cut anything harder than a sandwich with less than spectacular knives, I took myself to the store a few weeks ago and bought new knives that everyone says are the best ones. And I guess they are. Because not only do they slice right through the hardest of fruits and vegetables with no trouble at all, they also slice my fingers with startling regularity. I figure a few more months of cutting with them and they’ll start to dull down, but in the meantime, remind me to get more band-aids next time I go to Target.

    Reply
  8. Wow. I wouldn’t pay $20 for four knives, let alone $250. And then to have all the injuries on top? Salt in the wound.

    Reply
    • haha! i know. but they’re back now and i’ve got a credit, except of course, for my pain and suffering and band aides. and postage. bah! don’t let me let a door to door anything, except ice cream near my house again!

      Reply
  9. OMG! By the way, my mom was suckered into one of those presentations and also said never again! Sorry about your fingers and your time but LOVED the post. I love that you have the ability to make me laugh on a random Tuesday morning:)

    Reply
  10. We got suckered once by someone claiming they were giving us a presentation on a “household allergen filtration system” or something fancy like that. It turned out to be a $3000 vacuum cleaner! Hope your fingers heal quickly!

    Reply
  11. Oh no!! That is why I stay as far away from the kitchen and cutlery and utensils and everything as possible…I leave knives to the professional in the house – and he sharpens his own!!

    Reply
  12. Poor baby, covered in all those war wounds! You could do an advertisement for bandaids. Though, I’m still trying to figure out the brand of characters wrapped around your fingers??

    Reply
  13. Once I had a boyfriend who worked for them and those knives scared me to death. Keep your fingers safe!

    Reply
  14. That’s CRAZY! What are those knives so sharp?! The funny thing is, I once went for an interview for a summer job when I was in college, and when I got there, it was for a job selling knives! And they totally did that whole “see, it even cuts through rope!” trick. Luckily, I walked out as soon as I saw what the job was, so I still have all of my fingers and thumbs. 🙂

    Reply
  15. Hahaha. I’d have bought the too-expensive knives too, because I am an easy sell.
    Actually, I’m currently sporting a huge laceration from my latest cooking catastrophe…

    Reply
  16. Scary! We have crappy knives, and I’m sort of klutzy with them and get distracted by kids screaming when I’m preparing meals, so I would be right there with you if I had super sharp knives. Crazy how sharp they were!

    Reply

Talk to me... Come on.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: