I wish I would drink more.
I blame BRAVO.
It may just be the rose-colored, knock-off Gucci sunglasses I’m looking through, but it seems all The Real Housewives (not to be confused with real housewives) seem to be skinny and glamorous and drinking at every occasion.
It’s lunch by the pool. Gauzy, translucent cover-ups. And wine.
Spa party? Egyptian cotton towels. And wine.
Dinner party? Cocktail dresses. And wine.
Tea party? Long, sundresses. And wine.
Oh no. We suspect so and so has a drinking problem. Designer jeans with strong intervention blazer. And wine, for everyone but so and so, at least until the next dinner party.
Drinking seems to be their reward at the end of a good day or the beginning of a good day. Or bad day. Or any day. I get it. We all need our happy place, but when I look to treat myself, I head straight to the freezer and pull out a tub of ice cream.
Ah, my friend, through good times and bad, you are there. Unfortunately, so are the five extra pounds that accompany you. I certainly don’t see any Housewives deep spooning a tub of Rocky Road. Most are waifs, saving their tiny bodies and huge mouths for trash talk and bottles of chardonnay.
So, I decided to take a lesson from the lovely ladies of BRAVO. Whether I like it or not, I would drink more so I can look and be more fabulous. Sometimes you just have to suck it up, or actually down, in this case.
I figured I’d start right out of the morning gate. No coffee for me. I’ll take a tall Bloody Mary, thank you. Mmm. Not bad. It made me want to actually sit down, something I never do. I even started flipping through a magazine to check out the over-the-top fashions I will soon be sporting instead of my old gym clothes. I was so into my new morning revelry that I neglected to check the clock. Crap! We just missed the bus, and I forgot to even wake the kids. Plus, now I can’t drive them to school. Damn you, BRAVO, where is my limo??!
The next time I tried my experiment was at the school social. I put on a long, pretty dress and big Kyle of RHBH earrings, and even though I was stuck doing my own hair and make-up, I decided to kick off the evening with a glass of wine to get myself in the mood. And it worked! I was sipping and singing while getting ready. So fun! Although before we left my husband did ask if I let our 5 year-old apply my makeup. Hmm. What could he mean by that? Eh, whatever, where’s my glass?
By the time we reached the party, I was two- three solid glasses in. The minute the valet opened my door to help me out, a wave of nauseous struck and left me clinging to him, quite inappropriately. “Bravo!” I slurred and gave his stunned face a pat. My husband gently put me back in the car and drove us back home. The drive of shame.
Maybe I was going about this wrong. All the BRAVO fun and fabulous happens when the gals get together. That’s it! So I invited my neighborhood Peeps over for some “Whine and Wine”. Come on, every good gathering needs a great theme! Shout out to the Bunco party!
We settled the kiddies in the playroom. Oh yeah, there are kids. We’re freaking real housewives! We can’t just leave them at home alone while we drink. Now that would be totally irresponsible. So I pop open a bottle. Okay, I twist off the top to get the party started.
We chat and drink and eat too many chips, but then, Jill’s kid threw a truck at Ann’s kid’s head. Stirred with a little Malbec, it had the makings of some exciting drama. I sat up Housewife straight, with my back arched, my eyes wide and my bra-enhanced chest out. I was wearing a low cut dress a la Housewives, so I wasn’t kidding about my chest being out. I was wishing I had served white so that when Jill threw a glass at Ann it wouldn’t stain my carpet, but my wishing was all in vain. Ann was fine, and the whole thing was brushed aside. Boooring.
Well, my experiment was a surgically enhanced bust. I was no BRAVO Housewife. The wine didn’t make my life more glamorous, it actually made me less glamorous. Case in point, when I looked in the mirror after we got home from the school social that I never attended, I saw I was wearing blue sparkle eye shadow and red lipstick. Uh, ew. I don’t even wear makeup! And drinking certainly didn’t make me thinner. In fact I gained three pounds, probably because I was eating more since I was drinking and didn’t care. Plus, no one wears to the floor dresses with full on cleavage and giant earrings to random events. I kind of looked like an idiot.
I think I need ice cream.
I blame BRAVO.
I can’t comment on the show, I’ve never watched it. Your take on it is pretty funny though. My version of a real housewife is shuffling through the house with my slippers and the giant dog hair tumbleweed they seem to accumulate while getting a big cup of coffee.
thanks. your version and my reality are remarkably similar. well, replace the dog with a cat and a lizard. and the slippers with big fuzzy socks.
Oh boy!! I could not stop laughing as I imagined you going through all that!
glad I could give you a laugh! 🙂
You are so right. It’s hard not to be distracted by all of their drinking. You’d be a great RH! oxoxo
omg – i’d be the worst! i am sooo boring.
I am a fan of Real Housewives of Any City. You’re right, they’re constantly drinking. Like fish.
for any and every occasion. how do they function??
Omg… I am one of the biggest fans of Real Housewives of Any City. But you’re so right. They’re constantly drinking. Like fish.
and i am a HUGE housewife fan!
LMAO, I LOVE this post! I love your writing, this was fantastic!
thanks. that makes me happy. 🙂
You captured the essence of the RHOBH! Those girls are always sporting cropped blazers with skinny jeans and five inch wedges. You’d think with sky high shoes and all that alcohol consumption, women would be toppling over more often.
I’d stick with the ice cream too. At least, you don’t wake up with a hangover that way!
only hangover of the belly. and not the cute pregnant kind. 😉
OMG, I am laughing so hard over here because I am so addicted to those shows and the one thing that always amazes me is that they never show them hungover and with how much they drink, you know they have to be dragging the next day but unlike us, they have nannies to take care of their kids so they can either sleep it off or head out to some function where they are just going to drink again. How ironic that all the real housewives I know have to cook, clean, drive and take care of their kids and not one of these series shows any one of them doing any of that stuff. And yet, I’m still watching.
I think I might have outdone myself with the longest sentence EVER. Sorry about that. I’d blame the alcohol but I am stone, cold sober. 😉
haha!! any sentence that starts with – i’m laughing so hard, can’t be long enough for me. 🙂
i’m right there with you! i love those shows!
Stick with ice cream! Great post!
thanks. and really i have no choice. it’s my calling.
thanks! i appreciate a good ha ha!
Hilarious! I’m going to our school’s “Gala” tonight, and I’ve never been to one before. I tend to pre-party with myself before these kinds of things to calm the nerves. Thanks for the warning!!!
i’m sure you’ll be fine. just stay away from blue eye shadow! ha!
Haha! I have never seen one of those shows even though ever since I quit working and moved to NJ, technically I am one. I do enjoy my wine but not all day long!
oh my goodness! you must watch, jersey girl!! it’s a fantastic train wreck! i love it!
I’ve never seen the show either, but I LOVE the idea of wine at a tea party! funny post.
but of course, dahling.
Oh, The Real Housewives who, as it turns out, are neither ‘housewives’ nor particularly real. Whenever I watch those shows I always wonder if there has to be an open bar everywhere at all times as part of their production contract because if any one of them sobered up for long enough they’d be like, “Wow. WTF am I even *doing* here? Seventeen parties a week is a bit much plus all this drama is giving me ulcers. I’m just gonna go home, throw on some sweats, and catch up on the DVR.”
Maybe next time instead of experimenting with booze you could experiment with attempting to break into the music industry or having a ridiculous “line” of skin care or jewelry? Great post!
yes! i’m going to have to go for my own line of ice cream – no fat, no flavor, no calorie, possibly infused with some alcohol?
Well good for you for going back to the ice cream! Those women look ridiculous with their over-the-top clothes and their plastic surgery. “Real” housewives? The only thing “real” on that show is the…the…uhhh, I got nothing.
I have only seen the commercials and the magazine rags at the checkout but I still laughed out loud at this post! I’d rather get my cals through ice cream than alcohol any day!
thanks. i have to say, they are fun to watch. 🙂
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I’ll drink to that!! so appreciate!! 🙂
We definitely have the wine thing over here. Known as ‘wine o’clock’, it is the moment when you’ve just put the children to bed and before you start all the other cr*p you have to do before you go to bed. It doesn’t usually come with cleavage enhancing dresses though. And I assume the real housewives don’t actually eat if they drink this much as otherwise they’d never fit into their skinnies?
we’ve got a lot of whine over here… which leads me to wine and ice cream! it’s usually at the same time. i don’t see the housewives eat but they are fun to watch. 🙂
I do think it is funny how much they drink. I agree with the commenter above–they never show them hungover. Also, what about health issues with drinking too much. I do like my wine, but they are over the top. However, they are funny! Love this post.
love my wine too, but they seem to love it a little more. but of course, they love more of everything. they are so fun!!
Haha! Those darn “Real Housewives”! They’re nasty drunks too, aren’t they? All they do is bicker. You’re way fabulousness than them. *Burp!* Pass the ice cream. 😉
haha! i love watching them, especially while drinking and eating ice cream!