Our appointment for flu shots at the Pediatrician had gone exactly as expected. I wound up restraining my howling two year-old, while grasping hands with my screaming five year-old and practically having to sit on my hysterical, flailing 7 year-old. As they each made breaks for the door, I just had to laugh at the hilarity of it all. I mean, this is what I do in a day – sit on my children as they beg for mercy.
Once the shot had successfully been administered and my middle son, Michael, finished his after-shock screams of indignation, I appeased their wounded egos and arms with a promised trip to the candy store. Amazing – the children who just moments ago, lay sprawled in misery, now jumped up and down with glee. “I guess you guys are feeling better now?” I joked.
“It didn’t even hurt.” Tyler, my oldest postured.
“Yeah. Didn’t hurt.” Julius, my youngest chorused, quickly forgetting that snot still dripped from his nose.
Michael had his arms crossed and still wasn’t talking.
“You guys are so brave.” They all looked up at me thrilled. Even Michael cracked a small smile. Honestly? Did they not remember the screaming hysteria? The horrified nurse? The arm wrestling? Is that all it took with boys? A thinly veiled compliment? A stroke of the ego? The answer was smiling up at me, times three.
We left the pediatrician’s office, but before we headed out for the sweet reward, I stopped at the office of another doctor located across the hall. I opened his office door and popped my head in to ask the receptionist a quick question while my boys ran up and down the short corridor. The conversation lasted maybe one minute. This was it, “Hi there. I needed a flu shot and was considering a new primary care doctor. Do you take United Health Care and are you accepting new patients? Great. I’ll call for an appointment.”
I popped my head back out and saw my two older children racing back and forth. The narrow, short hallway strip was about 25 feet long, end to end, with about three offices on each side and book-ended by a set of heavy double doors. In the front, the doors led to the street, and the back, to the parking lot. I looked left, then right. I quickly walked to the further end of the hallway, then to the other.
Small gurgles of panic began bubbling in my chest. “Uh, guys! Where’s Julius?” They looked at each other and shrugged. My heart thumped a little faster. Now I ran from one corner of the hall to the other. “Julius?” I called out, opening each of the few office doors, looking around, noting only baffled looking receptionists and people sitting and waiting. I ran back up and down the hallway helplessly.
“Julius?” I called, my voice rising an octave. “Jullius!” I could hear Michael and Tyler giggling in some distant world. I was on the verge of freaking out, but refused to give in to it. One of the receptionists from my pediatrician’s office came out and immediately noted my distress. I looked from one set of double doors to the other. “Stay here!” I ordered the boys and bolted for the front door.
The doors were heavy. Really heavy. I was right there. They were right behind me. How? I hit the street and looked around. Nothing but a busy street. A really freaking busy street. Time slowed. I sharply felt the cool air sting my cheeks. I was biting my top lip, looking left to right, completely lost. Oh my God! Oh my God! Is this the moment? Is this where I lose my two year-old and never see him again? Is this really happening? Nothing around but cars and street. I was there, but it was like being paralyzed in the matrix. I raced from one end of the street to the other calling his name. I didn’t know what to do.
A woman across the street, adjacent from me, called out. “Are you looking for a little boy?” 
“Yes!” I shrieked. “YES!” It didn’t sound like my voice.
“I saw him walk that way.” She pointed toward the other corner.
What?? My brain screamed. You saw a two year-old walking alone down a street and you walked in the other direction??? But I had no time or any right to point fingers. I raced to the corner, stopped and looked up and down. Nothing. “Julius…” My voice was broken. I could barely call his name. As I was about to race down that block, the receptionist from my pediatrician came through the double doors with Julius in her arms.
“Oh my God!” I broke down in a million pieces as she handed me my baby, clutching him to me in a suffocating embrace. My hands were shaking. My body was shaking. I sat down on the cement street rocking and crying into his curls.
“He was out back, playing in the parking lot. He’s fine.” She said, with just a hint of judgment that I didn’t begrudge her. I collected myself and my other boys from the office.
Finally, I had them all secured in the car, but I couldn’t move.
“Uh mom,” Tyler giggled, “you need to drive.”
“To the candy store!” Michael shouted happily.
“Yay!” Julius chimed.
It was nothing to them. Five minutes of their mother running crazy.
But I was stuck, my hands gripping the wheel tightly. When I think about what could’ve happened… I couldn’t even. I took a deep breath to calm myself. They may have taken a needle today, but I had a dose of reality. And no amount of candy could fix it.
*This was three years ago, going for flu shots again recently brought me back to my own shot in the heart. Yep. Still hurts.
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Icescreammama 
Oh my goodness…my heart beat faster reading this. Sheesh. Glad you got him back!
You’re not kidding!!! Thanks. 🙂
I’ve had that moment twice. Once when my oldest was a baby, the little girl I was babysitting seemingly vanished – she was napping under her mom’s huge comforter. With an angry lake right at their back doorstep practically it was terrifying. The next was my own who vanished on my in Wal-Mart. He wasn’t in the toy section or any other section I could think of. Turns out he had made his way to electronics.
So glad you found him! Terrifying… losing a kid is about as close as it gets to true horror for me.
I went through this not too long ago. I felt like I was in that bad dream where it feels like you are trying to run through water and when you scream no sound comes out. Scariest few minutes of my life. It felt like an eternity. It happened so fast too. Reading this made me feel like I couldn’t breath. So glad he was OK!
yes – that’s exactly it! a dream sequence of paralyzed terror!
Oh, that is the worst feeling! I’m glad he was safe and sound!
oh yeah – me too!! thanks!
We lost Emma at the LAX airport once. Jesus. That was THE longest two minutes. I totally get this.
the world slows down long enough to freak you out forever. thanks.
My heart was racing!
and you weren’t even on a mountain! I’ll take that as a compliment! 🙂
Well that just about KILLED me as I am sure it did you. I do not ever want to live through that, even though it worked out ok. Jesus. TErrifying.
thanks i’m glad i gotcha. it’s almost 3 years ago and i could still cry!
Omg, I got all shaky and sweaty just reading this! What a nightmare…
ohh i should’ve put a pregnancy warning on it!! sorry – no go do your deep breathing!
I can only imagine the terror you must have felt. What a horrible feeling!
it was crazy bad, and can still make me crazy now, almost 3 years later.
That is so completely scary! At first my comment was going to be: You know about flu mist, right?” But that seems so unimportant now. I am so glad you found him. I still have a pit in my stomach.
haha!! yes, i know about the flu mist… !! you’re funny. 🙂
Oh, that horrible, horrible feeling! I still freak out when I lose sight of my kids in a crowded public place, and they are 11 and 13. So glad everything was OK. Your shot in the heart was way worse than any flu shot.
crazy moment!! but it’s kept me much more on guard since!
You’re right, your shot will hurt forever.
I lost my toddler on vacation in Hawaii once. Scariest 5 minutes of my life. That kid’s 20 now, and I can still remember what he was wearing that day.
the fear never leaves! i think it makes it stronger, because you know how close tragedy is! UGH!!!
That moment of panic and the feeling of what if is just so overwhelming. So glad things were ok.
it’s scary as hell, and even though it was three years ago, it took me this long to talk about it. i was TRAUMATIZED!! All good now. 🙂
Oh I have experienced that panic before, but only for a couple of minutes and in my own home…. My son had sleep-walked his way to the loveseat, and I couldn’t see him walking quickly through the family room in search of him. So scary! I couldn’t imagine losing a child in public. My mom lost me in a Walmart when I was little too. I’m fine. 🙂
it is insane – one of those, you can’t believe it’s actually happening moments. those minutes are a lifetime, and they stay with you forever. i’ll never forget it! whew! going to eat ice cream now. 🙂
lol ice cream is my comfort food too! Did you know DQ has Candy Cane blizzards right now?? Holy yum….
wow! i would totally try that… although i’m much more of a chocolate pb gal. 🙂
Me too. That’s my fave. Happy indulgences!
Wow…That was crazy and in lieu of the terrible tragedy that happened in Connecticut today, that hit square at home and my kids are grown.
thanks. i appreciate your stopping by. the world is a crazy crazy place. 😦
So glad this story had a happy ending. Nice to meet you! Here from LinkedIn
Thanks for visiting!! I just checked out your interview. Good stuff. 🙂
Totally pictured every second of this as I read! You are such am amazing writer 🙂 ps I would of had a heart attack!
I’m sure those “five minutes” felt like an eternity. Perhaps that’s why the memory still haunts you to this day. Because it’s happen to me before as well, I know it only takes a hot minute for kids to wander off. Our little ones have NO idea how they shorten our lives by doing this!
it was a slow motion nightmare. and yes, i’m still traumatized.
You take us on such an emotional journey in this piece of writing. I was laughing at the beginning as you described having to sit on each child in turn as they begged for mercy and howled in indignation – and then forgot the entire ordeal at the mention of candy! And then you described that moment of losing Julius and my heart sank. There is no worse feeling.
thank you. it was Insane!! (see i used a cap there – and i never use caps unless i’m writing an essay or something). i still can barely think of it!! so traumatizing.
Oh my God. I’ve had two moments like this in the last year, once when my husband had taken my 2.5. year old daughter to the car without telling me (so I thought she was wandering a strange neighbourhood at night in the freezing cold), and on her second birthday when our backyard gate got open and I suddenly realized she wasn’t in the yard with all the other kids and was in fact running on the sidewalk right beside the road everyone speeds on.
The feeling of ice that runs through your veins is indescribable to someone who isn’t a parent. And clearly that woman who saw Julius didn’t have kids, because any normal mother would have stopped and taken charge of a child wandering alone on a sidewalk. I certainly would have.
it is the scariest, craziest, most surreal nightmare. it was slow motion, screaming silently while you’re paralyzed and drowning!! maybe worse!
and that lady…. if i wasn’t having a breakdown and so thankful to have him, i would have gone back and beat her! I mean he was 2!!
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Like I said, a handful. Lol.
haha! it’s all good fun. as long as there’s ice cream and wine along the way.