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Stop trying to touch my boobs and I’ll give you a cookie

My four year-old son has this weird little obsession… with my boobs. No, I’m not like that New Yorker Magazine mom. The only thing my boobs do these days is hang, and I mean hang, around. But for Julius, it’s one of his many infatuations, right up there with gummy bears and Pokemon cards.

All my boys are full of mommy love, which I unabashedly encourage and soak up, but Julius shows his love a bit more ‘tangibly’ than the others.

Every night after the bed time books and tickle-back is completed, there’s another ritual of events that must transpire before I can leave his room.

“Kiss, mommy,” he demands, pursing his little, chunk lips for me to kiss.

“Hug, mommy,” is the next request, and he wraps his little arms around me, squeezing tight.  I love it, but I know what’s coming. He’s been doing it for well over a year now and I brace myself.

Somewhere in the middle of his innocent little hug, there’s a boob grab. He does it quick, knowing exactly what he’s doing. When I gently reprimand, he looks at me with those big brown eyes and says, “I can’t help it mommy. I just love your boobies!”

What to do. What to do.

I’ve tried to distract him from his infatuation. At two and three, it was still cute and could be waved away as toddler silliness; but once Julius crept over the four year mark and his hugs began to have a groping feel to them, I’ve tried, unsuccessfully, to get him to stop.

So far, these are the techniques I’ve employed.

Threatening – I say, almost daily. “Julius, if you try to touch my boobs, I’m not going to snuggle in bed with you anymore.” The little rat always promises. Do not trust a rat.

Negotiation – “If you can go a week without trying to touch my boobs, I’ll take you to the toy store.” Apparently, Julius does not need more toys, or chocolate or extra Wii time. He’s got plenty, thank you.

Transference – Every time Julius goes for the boobs, I place his hands around my waist. He kind of likes it and will squeeze happily for a bit, saying, “Oh, it’s squishy, like your boobies.” Thanks kid.

Reason – We had the discussion about private parts. How he has his and I have mine. Julius’s response? “You can touch mine, if I can touch yours.” Sheesh. I’m in trouble with this one.

Although, his fascination to touch my boobs is annoying and will soon border on really inappropriate, right now, it still makes me smile. I know he’s almost five, but as my youngest, he still seems like such a baby; and even though my seven and ten year-old are very loving, I can see the day in the not too far future, where I am no longer the center of their affections. There will be girlfriends, then wives, (poo poo) and I feel the pain of that already, years into the future. I can only hope that they’ll still want to give their mom a squeeze, although a hug will do just fine.

Just last night, Julius, the teenager in a five year-old body, gloated, “Mommy, I know how to touch boobs.  You go in for a kiss, and then you get ’em!” He smiled mischievously, like a boy who knows a big secret. And I guess he does.

Really, nothing to write home about here.

Really, nothing to write home about here.


About Ice Scream Mama

Mama to 3 boys, wife to Mr. Baseball and daughter of a sad man. I have a double scoop every day.

53 responses »

  1. Oh my god, this post is awesome. I am crying with laughter. My daughter is in a boob honking phase right now too–she thinks it is the funniest thing ever.

  2. Icescreammama you’re unique …….really!
    Go on like this ,please ,even when Julius will change his aims……….
    A big hug from Milan

  3. Strewth, were to start with this one. Maybe it is just better I go for a row instead, commenting could just get me into trouble, that’s for sure!

    I did laugh a bit (hope that’s okay!)

  4. I was laughing before I even read your post. The title is perfection. And that photo! I’ll be giggling for the rest of the day about this one. I love your descriptions of Julius and his persistence. He’ll put it to good use one day soon! And at least he has excellent taste in women! 😉

  5. Best blog post title. Ever. Thanks for the mid-day laugh with this post 🙂

  6. Wow. I didn’t know that some kids go through a phase like this. It’s great that you’re taking it in stride!

  7. I am giggling at this. I like your lightness around it. It gets old pathologizing everything so I like how you are working with this and not freaking out. A well written, happy story.

  8. That is so insanely funny. My husband and I were both cracking up! My son (6) has a fetish with my hair! It was cute at first, but sometimes I wonder if he’ll be 25 and still wrapping my hair around his fingers when he’s sleepy…

  9. Cindy - The Reedster Speaks

    I, for one, think your boobs look fantastic. Can I touch them? If I don’t can I have chocolate?

  10. I would settle for getting more toys, I want an ipad 😉
    This is hilarious – and hopefully just a phase 🙂

  11. LOL, that’s amazing. Man, I only have an 11-month-old — now I’m worried! Visiting from Martinis and Minivans mini bloghop. You’re funny!

  12. My 5-year-old daughter is my boob grabber. And it’s random, which makes it doubly infuriating. Although, she WAS the one who nursed for 29 months.

  13. My daughter had the same obsession at about that age…it went away!

  14. I am the Mom of two boys and somehow by passed the boob grabbing phase (post 2 years). Maybe mine aren’t squishy enough? This was such a funny and well written post, I just loved it!

  15. Okay, this is hilarious. And here’s hoping his boob fashionation does not generalize to groping other female authority figures! ;-P What an awesome post!

  16. So funny. My son went through an ass phase at the same age. I worried about it for a while. It got to the point I think where if I was near him he wanted to have his hand on it, just resting you know. I can’t remember how I stopped it, but I was so relieved when it ended! They start young!

  17. This was awesome! I smiled entire way through. What to do. What to do?????

  18. Holy crap, I am laughing so hard right now. Also, I am SO glad my 4 1/2 year old is not the only one. If he happens to walk in on me getting dressed, he yells “NIPPLES!” and chases me around trying to poke them. “Just let me touch the round part! Just the little round part!” What IS that?

    • crazed! so happy to see you. 🙂 and you just made me laugh. i love how specific kids are! my son is like, i’ll just touch them a little! and he’s so damn earnest. it’s funny… but weird, uncomfortable funny. 😉
      Good luck tomorrow!! i hope you’re in. 🙂

  19. So damn funny, mama! My 13-year-old son was never into touching my boobs, but then at about that age he was telling everyone he wanted to be a priest when he grows up. WTF?

  20. This made me laugh until my stomach hurt, especially this line: “Mommy, I know how to touch boobs. You go in for a kiss, and then you get ‘em!” So awesome. I wonder if this is what I have to look forward to from my 3-month-old son.

  21. Haha oh Mama! Little boys are such funny little creatures!
    I agree with everyone who loved your title! It’s pure gold!!

  22. Your post is hilarious. Please let us know when you solve this crazy riddle. My one year old has just started probing mine. Funny and entertaining writing!

  23. my son did this when he was 1-4 years old. The funny thing is, it wasn’t just me. My brother in law’s girlfriend picked him up, he was 1, and just fascinated by Kim’s boobs. He wouldn’t stop grabbing them (and no he was not breastfed)…well, she did have a “clevage showing” top- so he was fascinated by the hills. While we all laughed, my husband was so embarrassed.

    Now 9, my son is “grossed out” if he even brushes against me. “Ew, mom! I just bumped your BOOB!” As if I put it in his way on purpose.


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  26. WOW! Fantastic selfie! I definitely have to subscribe to this blog now!

  27. Don’t feel bad, my kid does the same thing. I haven’t been able to stop it yet, but his methods are different- he comes over like hes going to reach up for that sweet “pick me up and love me” arm raise, and then switches to tuning the radio.
    What to do? He’s six now.

  28. Pingback: Oh crap – I’m a girl! | Icescreammama

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