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Weight of my World

Weight of my World

I just did it moments ago. I do it every Friday morning. It’s generally before 7 am and I’m naked. I pee first, then close my eyes and mentally prepare. I tell myself, “It’s going to be good. It’s going to be okay.” Then, cringing with fear, I step on the scale.

No, I’m not going to tell you what it says. I may be confessional, but I have boundaries, people. But honestly, the number doesn’t really matter (except to me of course, where it HUGELY matters), what matters is how my entire mood changes by 7:01am. Depending on that flat glass surface with a digital screen, I’m either fabulous or frumpy. Happy or miserable.

Friday after Friday, I’d cringe, exhale as much breath out of my body and step. Often, the number is happy, smiling up at me. But lately, it’s been two to three pounds up – and when it’s up, I am most certainly down.

Three pounds may not seem like a big deal, but it is to me, or to anyone in my house who has to deal with my cranky, fat ass. Don’t judge me too harshly. I grew up surrounded by the body disorder disease – my mother has it, my aunt has it, my cousins have it. It seemed to affect every female member in my family.  Only my tall, skinny cousin seemed immune, living on a diet of Oreo cookies and chocolate bars, until well after her third child was born. Then, she too, succumbed.

I remember once, as a young girl, noting my mother’s strange skin color. “Carrots.” She explained. “It’s all the carrots.” I don’t want to know how many carrots you have to eat before you start to turn into one, but my mom was well on her way. I think she tried living on broccoli as well, but she always looked better in orange.

So after weeks of seeing a number that used to be reserved for “I had better be pregnant,” I did what anyone would do – I stopped going on the scale.  I know you thought I was going to say I went on a diet. Screw that. I eat basically vegetables and ice cream, and exercise a solid five days a week.  But something had to go, and it was the scale.

I had always been amazed by people who just ate without fear of the scale. Now I was one of them, and for the first few weeks, not having to see the number eased my mind somewhat. I felt a little more carefree, my clothes fit and for the first time in my memory, I wasn’t my scale’s bitch.  It was revelatory. It was enough to make you want to celebrate! With cake!

As you might guess, my celebratory liberation ended as soon I began to feel that subtle tightening around my waist, my favorite jeans no longer my favorite. I knew, but I didn’t want to believe. So I gathered my courage, got naked, exhaled and stepped. It was a big step, and even though I was no longer happy, at least I knew where I stood. 2lbs fatter than the fat that made me shun the scale. Damn.

As I contemplated my next steps – no more peanut butter, two cups of ice cream a day instead of three – a funny thing happened, I got used to the new number. My old fat became my new average. I hated it, but accepted it in the way I accepted another load of laundry, annoyed but resigned. I didn’t know what to make of this development. For a long while I became depressed, not at the number any longer, but that I had given up and accepted a newer version of myself – an older, fatter one.

Twenty odd years at the same weight (give or take those same up and down five pounds), and I will forever teeter on the edge of weight anxiety. I am always afraid Friday morning when I step on that scale, but I’ve learned my lesson. I will not cover my eyes like a two-year old. I will step. Knowing is better than living in denial. My coping skills, if not my body image, have strengthened over the years. I am more okay with who I am than I ever was. Even though my body is a little softer, I’ve got a tougher skin.

Besides, there’s always next Friday.

About Ice Scream Mama

Mama to 3 boys, wife to Mr. Baseball and daughter of a sad man. I have a double scoop every day.

134 responses »

  1. notquitefashionsavvy

    This post is brilliant :’) so easy to relate to the cringing/celebrating and the instant mood change!

  2. haha wonderful post, thank you for sharing! Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!

  3. I had to laugh and can relate as I am considering saying “so long, it was good to know you” to numerous pairs of jeans I wore last winter but who have seemed to betray me and shrunk while sitting in my jeans drawer over the summer. Giving them one last chance to grow back to the way they fit last year, I hit the treadmill in hopes that all participants will behave!!! Not sure it is going to work but will try! Enjoyed your post!

  4. I empathize with your plight, though I honestly have never had to deal with it. Though I deal with a range of muscular/asthma/ joint, and D.D.D. (disk degenerative disease) My sister does, as does my father and many of my cousins, uncles/aunts ect. And I’ve lived with them through their turmoil and depression. Teasing and bullying that they endured. Which I believe just adds to the catch 22, when they try to “break habits” which is curious because now they have be classed as hypo-thyroid-ism.
    I do know I will be blessed at forty, like most my mother’s side. To blow up like a pumpkin. I think I’m okay with that. Though I can only attribute to my work out routines, and my eating habits… Which like you Can consist of over- abundant Ice cream. Lol. = ) Oh! And Twizzlers!, I cant forget my new must, Black coffee 3.. sometimes 5…Or no … 6 = / (sometimes) a day with a tad of sugar and fresh raspberries and blackberries. I over indulge in that more than a doctor would say is healthy.
    I like your outlook though. When we constantly over analyze it and obsess It just creates that domino effect and the stress can make it impossible for our “inner-self to cope” I find your writing funny and fun to read. Keep your perspective high in your regard to yourself and stay true to yourself. Happy writing and I’ll send you some happy thoughts.
    Ayaime-aka – Carlie.

  5. I have stopped stepping on my scale. Every scale is different. I much prefer my doctor’s scale, it has better numbers and it is lower everytime i step on it. Loved your post.

  6. Eeek…I’m currently in the stage where I’m not stepping on the scale because I’m not ready to hear what it has to say…..maybe I’ll build up the courage next week once I get a chance to work off this weekend’s ice cream binge. 😛

  7. You know, I have to say, “Screw the Scale” is probably every McDonalds and garbage processed food manufacturer’s marketing wet dream come true. Pity the human pancreas doesn’t agree.

  8. I had not weighed myself in a while and my Dad had some electric scale so I thought what the heck. Probably a bad idea as I had eaten breakfast and lunch. Had probably to many layers on (well i’m not going to weigh myself naked in his kitchen)… let’s just say I won’t be buying any soon…

  9. I enjoyed this post, especially the way you write! I used to weight myself daily a few years back and once I threw out the scale, I threw away the notion that I had to box myself into some number (that no one would know but me! =) ) . I think women should embrace who they are and not let their weight define who they are.

  10. I sympathise with you. I’ve been trying to get pregnant and my fertility doctors told me that losing weight helps, so I joined Weight Watchers. I used to be terrified of the scale – in fact I didn’t even have one until recently. Now, that the numbers are moving in the right direction I do like it, but I reserve the abject fear for my weekly weigh in

    • i’m sorry for your difficulties.. i had fertility issues as well . it’s amazing the power of the scale.. a little scary…
      glad you’re on the right road! good luck and hang in there!! 🙂

  11. I can SO relate!!

  12. haha i love this – i, too, do my weekly weigh-ins on friday mornings. my mood drastically swings on way or another within five seconds flat. and you’re right – you need to just do it. the way i look at it, whether i’ve lost 2 pounds or gained…that’s what i weigh regardless, but i’m better off knowing. 🙂

  13. Although, my weigh in day is pretty much everyday (do I secretly enjoy all this agony I put myself through daily??) It’s like when the number is good, it’s a REALLY good day and when it’s not, well my husband better run and hide. Thanks for sharing!

  14. This is just great! Congrats on being freshly pressed!

  15. Good post! I stayed slim in the past. But now I am starting to put on weight and I cannot stop it~~~

  16. The thing I love about blogging: you can turn anything and everything, no matter how small, into a great piece of writing. And clearly, you’re an ace at it already! Haha, really though, wonderfully written.

  17. Pingback: Feature Friday: Ice Scream Mama | Stuphblog

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