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How to Look Good While you get your Ass Kicked

Everyone around me jumped up and down in Lululemon workout gear, while I sported the very latest in ratty maternity wear circa 2005. Not that I just had a baby or anything as frightening as that. It’s just that all my comfy, old maternity clothes wound up as pajamas which at times double as gym clothes. So you see, I’m not only incredibly fashionable, I’m practical too.

In truth, the ladies weren’t all wearing Lulu. There were some Hard Tails thrown in, one girl brazenly sported Nike and two girls were wearing outfits that I couldn’t determine the brand. I tried to get a close-up look, but it got a little weird. I guess I should have waited till they were done with their squats.

I concentrated on the fashion parade to distract myself from what I was supposed to be doing – exercising in skinny, sadistic Stacy’s boot camp class.

“25 Burpees!” She yells; slim as a string bean with two little peas for boobs and a butt. The biggest thing about her is her mouth.

We hurry to comply and commence with quick jumping squats that plank. Again. Again. Now, I’m no exercise novice but Burpees are something that you can only effectively do if you’re in your 20’s, are super, super fit or are a frog. I am none of the above. When I do a Burpee, it looks more like a Throwupee. I’m a mess, a splatter of limbs on the floor, and I can never keep the pace.

“This is your hour!” Skinny, sadistic Stacy screams. Damn, I think. This is my hour. I look at the clock. Is it almost over? I want another hour, one which involves someone massaging my back and me sighing deeply instead of panting in pain. Why is this my damn hour?

“Squats!” She yells. “Stick out your butt, Ladies! Lower! Again! Again!” She sticks her peas out to demonstrate.

She is the exercise Nazi. You didn’t squat low enough! No breathing for you!

“Run!” She screams, her voice hot on my back. “RUN!!!” She is scary. And loud. I wish there were a skinny, scary, sadist Stacy mute button.

“It’s your hour!!! PICK IT UPPPPPP!” We all run faster. I’m closing in on one of the women whose clothing brand I can’t determine. If I can just get a little closer…

“Jumping JACKS!!! GO!”

She stops short to jump and I crash into her. It’s not pretty, but we both brush it off. There’s no time for injury or conversation in Stacy’s class. I’m jumping. And sweating. And I may have peed in my pants a little. Just a little. My body feels old, but I keep jumping, because SSS Stacy is on my ass. I think I feel my knee give a little. I may fall down. That would be embarrassing. I slow my Jacks, and just do the hands-up part and hope no-one notices. My friend across from me gives me a wink. Of course she notices. She does kick-ass Burpees too.

Finally, thank God, “my hour” is over. I’m putting away my weights, dragging my sorry, sweaty, old maternity clothes mess to the exit. I glance in the mirror as one of the Lulu’s pass. She’s perspiring, but her outfit is cute and fitted. She looks good and healthy. I’m sweating like a pig and my clothes hang from me, dampened, like I picked them out of my grandmother’s dirty laundry.

As I hobble out and try to convince my friend to go waste lots of money with me at Lululemon, somehow Stacy overhears. She obviously works her ear muscles as well. She beckons me to her and I’m afraid she’s going to make me drop and do 20, but instead she says, “It’s not the clothes that make you look good or even the body. It’s up here.” She points to her head.

Go figure. Crazy Stacy’s not so crazy.  I don’t need new clothes, I need a new attitude. Now, there’s something I can work on. No sweat. On second thought, I think I’ll still go shopping. Certainly couldn’t hurt.

Gym Minx

Gym Rat

About Ice Scream Mama

Mama to 3 boys, wife to Mr. Baseball and daughter of a sad man. I have a double scoop every day.

46 responses »

  1. Trust me, cute outfit does not equal leaving looking cute … I can’t even buy anything that isn’t super wicking (or black) anymore, because I sweat so much that by the time I leave the gym, I look like I just ran through a torrential downpour.
    And Stacy sounds kinda awesome … I think I’d like her!

  2. Lululemon is one word sweetheart. Lol

  3. This was awesome and hilarious and I think nearly every woman could relate – except those lulu lemon goddesses.

  4. LOL I wrote about this. Did you ever read my “Dear Ladies of the Gym?” I think you would get a giggle. It drives me insane.

    You’re so funny

  5. I always feel vaguely violent when I am gasping for air running around Central Park, and I come up on a woman wearing perfect lululemon clothes, obviously running hard but barely sweating, and looking gorgeous. I, of course, am sweating buckets, wearing frayed and too-big running shorts, and wishing the whole thing could just be over. Maybe I should do some lululemon shopping too 🙂

  6. Sounds like Stacy has some good advice..

  7. Hilarious. Almost spit my fat-free yogurt at the screen. If only you could see what I’m wearing right now… Here from yeah write 🙂

  8. While sweating in Lululemon during yoga class the teacher often says the same thing to us: Change your attitude and change your pose. She’s a great teacher and playful, but she’s right. Words to live by. And Lululemon is absurdly expensive, and unfortunately has attained some ridiculous status. And I have my share of it. I enjoyed the post. Funny and poignant.

  9. That was funny I need to buy nice work out clothes. The picture is me I loved this one Sent from my iPhone Alana Sikorski

  10. Ha! Great! At least you exercise! I give you so much credit! Hilarious blog!

  11. Great great post. There aren’t enough exercise posts. It’s a whole world to me– the clothes, the sweating, the music, the other people. This is a fantastic post. Is that really your body as gym rat? you look amazing. I hope you know it.

  12. Loved this post – I could totally relate (well, except for the doing exercise part). Stacy’s class sounds like torture. I love the “your hour” lines! Good for you for going and echoing the sentiment of at least one other comment, if that’s you in the gym rat picture – you DO look amazing.

    • Thx. isn’t it funny how our hour is torture that’s good for us. 😉
      Ok, now i have to confess after you both said it. i was going to let it slide, but it’s not me! it’s my friend, and she does look great. i’ll tell her.

  13. I don’t even know what a lululemon is.

    I sympathize with you, though. I always feel like an ox among gazelles at the gym. I love everything about my kickboxing class except for the trio of ladies — one of whom just had a baby — who run three miles before class and are still able to carry on a conversation while burpee-ing. Meanwhile, I am splayed out on the ground after the first roundhouse kick.

  14. Hahaha! Oh my gosh, this one had me laughing out loud. I’m glad I’m not the only awkward and extremely sweaty exerciser!

  15. Almost everyone around me wears Lulu. I have yet to go in there. Cute but I’m afraid of buying the whole store out! Great post!

  16. I wear a combination of Gap leggins from the early 90’s and pj’s du jour. It’s all about the Glamour, dahling!

  17. I went for years never working out. Then in high school I decided to give it a try and asked my sisters to take me to buy “workout clothes.” I nearly jumped out of my skull when I saw the prices. I refused to buy more than one pair of pants. I just kept washing them.

    “When I do a Burpee, it looks more like a Throwupee.” <–Love it.

  18. you have the sentiments of all normal women

  19. I love this! This is exactly how I feel every time I go somewhere to work out… once a month.. maybe.

  20. Oh, For the Love Cellulite!…. ““It’s not the clothes that make you look good or even the body. It’s up here.” She points to her head.”– I think I would have bust out laughing and said, “It’s rather unfortunate I have a full length mirror in by bathroom and my vision hasn’t failed me THAT bad, yet! ”
    It seems we’re all in the same boat. Now, if we’d all start paddling for dry land!! 🙂

  21. Everyone knows Burpees are the bain of my exercise existence! Hate them. I loved that Stacy told you really where it’s at. So true! Lululemon stuff lasts long but its expensive as hell. Great post.

  22. Love this… And I like that outfit I would DEF wear that 😉

  23. So funny! My outfits are the same, except I always tie a shirt around my waist to cover my butt and hide how it bounces up and down during jumping jacks.

  24. Ok, I found you, dear blogger, because you were freshly pressed. I enjoyed that pressing so much I dug a little and found this post. Now, I’m crazy madly and deeply in love with you and I’m crying I’m laughing so hard. I am currently rooming with, and consequently exercising with, a 20something year old lulu goddess. She burpees while I join you in throwupees. 🙂 Yay you!

    • i know – it’s disgusting. i’m an embarrassment to my peers – but i say, anything you can do with confidence, looks good right… except those damn burpees! i mean, really?!
      so glad you liked!! 🙂

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