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I laff at the Inglish langwige

“You know, I’ve been thinking…” My 10 year-old says, as we drive home from my niece’s party.

I immediately perk up. This kind of open is usually a prelude to something interesting. The last time he started a sentence that way, what followed was, “… War is stupid. Why do all those people have to fight and die? Why don’t only the two leaders fight, and then just one person has to die.”

Alert the White House. This boy is on to something.

“So,” he continues, and I wait for what’s been swirling around in that adolescent brain of his. “The letter G sounds like Juh but it really should be Guh.”

I have no idea what he’s talking about. So I say, “I have no idea what you are talking about. G makes the Guh sound.”  But then, as I said it, I totally got what he was saying.

“Oh you mean the letter G sounds like Jee, even though phonetically it makes the Guh sound, like Go. So you think the letter G should really be pronounced gee?” (Like geek, but without the k. Stay with me here, we’re in the mind of a 10 year-old.)

Through my rear view mirror I see he is nodding like a bobble head and smiling like he thinks he’s the smartest boy in the world. Which, of course, he is.

I point out that G does also sound like Jee, as in, this is genuinely confusing, and he points out that, that sound has already been covered by the letter J. Touche.

This whole thing gets us going on just how ridiculous the English language is. I honestly don’t know what people were smoking when they started putting it all down on paper, I mean parchment. So much of it is an exception to a rule, and the rules don’t even make sense.

Forget why is it, I before E, except after C…why is there ever an ie? We in the minivan don’t get it.

I mean, why isn’t Pierce  – Peerce

And what’s with CK endings? Why can’t it just be K?

As in, “It makes no fuking sense!”

I know you don’t miss the C. And speaking of C, we decided that it’s not even necessary as a letter. C just sounds like K or S. Try these on for size. Kantelope. Sentury. Nise, right?

K is for Kookie! image credit-

K is for Kookie!
image credit-

And what’s with the silent letters in words? Why do we need silent letters at all!? Lisen, it’s the elefant in the room, peeple! Let’s just get it out in the open.

There’s seriously so much wrong with our language, and when you’re teaching a five year-old to read, it’s glaring.

That’s why my sun (Sorry, the ‘o’ makes no sense. Plus, he really is the sun) and I decided to come up with a slightly modified version of the alphabet. It’s not much, but it’s a start.

Here it is –  A B  D E F G (pronounced geek without the k ) H I J K L M N O P Qu R S T U V W (now properly pronounced WubleU) X Y (pronounced Yi not Wi) Z*

My kid is so getting kicked out of kindergarten.


To see my son preform the new alphabet go to my facebook page.


About Ice Scream Mama

Mama to 3 boys, wife to Mr. Baseball and daughter of a sad man. I have a double scoop every day.

33 responses »

  1. Wasn’t it B. Shaw ,the first to protest against English spelling and Phonetics?
    He sustained that, according to what we learn at school, we should write ” ghitio” for “fish”…..
    (see: laugh , and then , see: nation)
    Your son is a nouveau B.Shaw!

  2. I think your 10 year old may be a genius. Like, Mensa quality. “Why don’t only the two leaders fight, and then just one person has to die?” Brilliant.

  3. Clearly he should be running the house. 🙂 The world next…

  4. So, so clever. I love it!

  5. Well, now he’s onto something and honestly, I’d like to see that put into the curriculum!! And the video was awesome!

    • thank you!! i think you’re the first one to go see it!! i so appreciate. i was kind of sad that he didn’t get any views. thank you. 🙂

      • how are the views coming? I just had to watch it again – I love how your other little one when you panned the camera to him he stuck out his tongue LOL

      • no one’s really checking it out. but that’s okay. sometimes things just get lost in the shuffle. but of course, i have it on my phone, so i’m forcing people over here to watch. haha!

  6. Wuble-you. Love! Your kid rocks. So do you.

  7. Your son is pure epicness!

  8. I love those car conversations. It’s usually the best time when they are captive and you’re right there next to them.

  9. Your kid is absolutely brilliant!

  10. It’s so true! There are WAY too many exceptions to the rules! Love this.

  11. Oh this takes me back to a linguistics class I took long long ago. Fun post.

  12. Your kid is a star…brilliant. I just have to ask the logic behing Qu and not just Q or Qw?

    • ha!! great point. he thought they should be togethe because q is never without the u, but i just love qw. that makes way better sense, although why a letter can’t stand alone in a word is another mystery. it should just be q which is the qw sound.. no need for a u (or w) really at all. it kind of gets confusing when you really get into it. 😉

  13. I was watching Sesame Street with my son yesterday and thought the same thing about G…funny

  14. I have not been able to stop thinking about this for a number of reasons!
    Most recently: last night I had to resort to my childhood tricks of reciting the alphabet backwards to fall asleep but instead of it working, I started thinking about your alphabet.
    Anyway, I was thinking shouldn’t we get rid of ‘Q’ all together? Yea, adding the ‘u’ made worlds of sense but couldn’t ‘Kw’ pick up the slack? Like ‘Kwartz’ for Quartz or ‘Kween’ for Queen.
    Ahhh, the life of an insomniac… 😉


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